


Only death is eternal - at least that's what I thought

by CloneSeeker



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bisexual Clarke Griffin, Character Death, Dark, Doctor Abby Griffin, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jake Griffin Lives, LGBTQ Character, M/M, My First Fanfic, Other, POV Clarke Griffin, POV Lexa, Protective Abby Griffin, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Suicide, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 11:31:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 43,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12275559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloneSeeker/pseuds/CloneSeeker
Summary: A few months after ''her'' death, Lexa finds herself in a difficult place. Let down by everyone, a homophobic father and the missing of her mother; is she still alive or gone for good?But what happens when the town gets a new family... can the beautiful blonde open her up or will she be the reason her secrets get exposed?What Lexa isn't aware of is, that she might not be the only one with secrets... only time will show the true colours.Cause when I said I hate you, I actually meant; please don't leave me.





	1. Good bye, my love

**Author's Note:**

> Good evening everyone.
> 
> This is my first fanfic I have ever written, so I hope it won't be all too bad. I haven't got a beta, meaning all the mistakes in here are mine. I usually don't write much so I'm sorry if there are any grammatical errors.
> 
> Well without further ado, I hope you enjoy ;)
> 
>  
> 
> PS: I welcome any kind of comment or ideas to make this fic better :D

"Life asked death, 'Why do people love me but hate you?'  
Death responded, 'Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth."

‘’Life and death. Two words, two meanings, two reactions. One is positive the other negative. Though the question is; which is good and which bad? It is not possible to answer that question as there is no correct answer. You can enjoy your live or hate it. You can fear death or welcome it.  


The same is with freedom. There is not only one opinion about it. We live in a society that considers working for 5 days a week for 40 years only to pay bills, is freedom. Some people only see freedom when their life is ended. And then there are people who won’t ever get the taste of freedom, abused and secondhanded like slaves in life but also death’’

It was dark outside, the moon the only source of light. The faint glow that passed through the high window gently illuminated the room. The neat stack of paper on my dark, heavy desk, the subtle dent in the floor from the time a metal stapler fell down. The light was just enough that I could see the neat words I was writing in my diary. Writing down the words that went through my mind calmed me in a way nothing else could. It was probably because I could detach myself from reality for a while, get away from the thoughts that always tried to pull me down a black hole.

I closed the book and stood up, stretching in the process. I took my leather bound diary and locked it in the drawer under my desk. I didn’t want anyone reading it, especially not my father. 

I was just about to close the drawer when my gaze fell on a picture, the picture I locked away because I couldn’t look at it without tears soon gathering in my eyes. I stretched out a tentative finger, slowly tracing the frame of her face. My throat closed up and tears collected inside of my eyes. I locked the drawer, blinking the tears away. 'I won't cry', I told myself. I took a few deep breaths, abandoning the memories of the day I had taken that photo. It was only a few hours before I found her…  


I shook my head and got up, quickly changing in a pair of jogging pants and a sports shirt. I knew that I would be cold like this, but I didn’t care. I felt numb and the pain would be a welcome distraction from the memories that had burned themselves in to my mind on that day, possibly the worst day of my life.

I tried to be as quiet as possible when I made my way downstairs, towards the main door. I put my shoes on and opened the door, locking it behind me.  
It was still dark outside but I didn’t care. I felt safer in the dark than in the light, you can hide yourself in the darkness; your thoughts aren’t exposed to people. Nobody can see the pain you carry with you every living moment of your life.

I walked over the quite street and began running my preferred route; it led towards the park and a few other places I used to visit. While I ran, the cool air hit me. It was crisp and there was a faint smoky smell that always seemed to accompany the incoming autumn. Autumn was by far my favourite season because it reflected life in its whole truth. Leaves lost their alive green to a deep red and then lifeless brown, until they died. Life was no different, you live and if you’re lucky, you bloom for a while until life slowly drains out of you and you die. It might be a morbid interpretation of the way life works but it is true, at least for me.

I had been running for about ten minutes when I passed the park. I hadn’t actually gone to this park since… it had happened. I would often run past it but I never entered the ground, too many painful memories were attached to it. I wasn’t ready to visit those memories yet, so I ran further.

Soon I arrived at another place I frequented with her. It was a small coffee shop; we often met up here after school to study and drink some warm beverages on cold days like this. I ran past it as well, running away from the memories. I felt my chest ache and tears pricked at the back of my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them fall. 

After a while, I arrived at a place that wasn’t laced with memories of her. It was a place that I had only ever visited on my own. I wanted to keep it a safe place, a place where I could lose myself to my own thoughts and just let go.

To get there, you had to walk up a quite steep path, which was now hidden behind trees and bushes. I found this place a few years back, it was an accident really. I had been so lost in thoughts that I hadn’t noticed where I was running. And then I found myself here, at the entry that was still visible back then. I used to be a very curious person, so I looked where the path led me and what I found let me gasp in shock but also in awe. At the very top of this steep hill, was a small flat space with a fence right at the ledge where there was a deep drop beneath. But what made this place so special was the view; it overlooked the whole town. I often came her at night, when the only light sources were the night sky and some low burning street lamps. Everything else became unimportant and your problems just seemed to shrink away while you could get lost in the incredible view of million stars shining above. But unfortunately those precious moments never lasted long and you are pulled back to reality far too soon.

I walked up the steep hill and went to the ledge, gazing at the stars and the city I lived in. I felt the weight of my shoulders lift for a moment and just enjoyed the fresh air and the way it cleared my mind. I was starting to feel cold, as I only was wearing a T-shirt and it was about 10 degrees out here. But the cold was soothing, it made me feel something. Soon though I was making my way down the steep hill again and heading back, knowing that if I stayed any longer I was at risk of getting hypothermia.

It was nearing six o’clock when I emerged from the secret path. Usually I would run back toward the coffee shop but today I ran the other direction instead. I wanted to do something that I had pushed away for so long, too long to be honest. 

When I got to back on the street, I turned left instead of right. The way I had gone, led past a huge flower field. I knew that there was only one kind of flower that bloomed now at this place and time; Orpine 'Purple Emperor. The flowers were tall and had a dark purple colour. They were also her favourite flowers. I picked the nicest ones I found and walked back to the street I came from. The walk to the destination shouldn’t take long from here but I needed a while to arrive there. I was walking slow, trying to get my breathing under control. The last time I had visited her, was a few months ago. Eight months, three weeks and two days ago to be precise. It was the day of her funeral, when I had last been with her.

I arrived at the gate and opened it. I knew where she was lying even though it was a very long time since I had last been here. I slowly walked along the small path, and arrived a few minutes later. When I saw her grave, I felt the tears prick at the back of my eyes again and this time I didn’t hold them back. Every step closer, the ache in my chest grew until I was standing right in front of her grave. I fell on my knees in front of it, letting the tears hit the ground. I put her favourite flowers in front of the tomb stone and with shaking fingers touched the words engraved in it.

Costia Green  
Nov. 05th, 2001 – Dec. 07th, 2016  
Always in our thoughts-  
Forever in our hearts

‘I’m sorry that it took me this long.’ I said in a voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to interrupt the peace that had laid itself around here. 

‘I wanted to visit you earlier, but…’ I sighed and took a deep, shaky breath. ‘I didn’t want to believe it. I know that you’re gone but I still feel you with me every day. I see you in the light of the sun, I see you in the last flowers that bloom around this time. I am remembered of you every time I smell coffee or when the scent of apples hits me.’ Another tear escaped down my face and a tiny smile appeared on my face.

‘I try to think of all the good memories we had. Like the time you took me ice skating and you had to drive me to the ER to get stitches. Or when we tried to bake a cake and… got distracted, only to be reminded of it when the smoke alarm set off.’ I chuckled at the memory, a feeling overcoming me that I hadn’t felt for so long; relieve. I still felt an ache in my chest, but it faded more and more in the background. It was a faint reminder of the love I had lost. It didn’t physically hurt me anymore, it was rather a comforting feeling.

I stayed there for another while just sitting in front of her grave and revelling in the good memories we had. The sun was already rising, though it was still quite cold. But I didn’t care, I wanted to spend as much time with her before I left again.

Before I stood up, there was one last thing I wanted to admit, ‘when you gave me the letter’, I blinked the tears away that shot in my eyes at the painful memory, but I continued anyway. ‘It took me a while to read it. It was exactly a month after you... after you died that I was ready to read it.’ This was the first time I had spoken those words. And it was also the first time I didn’t feel like my heart would break in thousand pieces when I thought about her death. 

‘I read it so often, that I can say it by heart.’ I smiled softly at her grave, knowing the look she would have given me if she still would have been alive. ‘The words were comforting because it felt like you were with me. And somehow you are. People say that nothing lasts forever but I don’t think so. My love for you is eternal, you will be in my heart until my last breath passes and we are reunited again.’

It was already past seven o’clock by the time I finally managed to stand up. I looked down at her grave with a sad, little smile on my face and a single tear escaping. ‘Good bye, my love’, were the last words I whispered, before I slowly made my way out of the graveyard. 

I felt different, not in the cliché way of ‘now I’m fine and can start dating again’, but I felt at peace. It was as if a massive weight had lifted of my heart or rather my ribcage and I could breathe better again. I was still grieving, that was something that probably would never change. I will always miss her but I finally felt that I could get better. It was a process, not something that would happen overnight, but it was possible to get used to the pain. Get used to the missing piece and live on with your life.  


Before I emerged from the cemetery, I took another deep breath and looked towards the direction of her grave. I couldn’t see it from here, but I knew it was just beyond that small hill and with that last thought in mind, I opened the gates.


	2. Not even death can separate us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 2, this time from Clarke's POV.
> 
> I hope you like it :)

‘Are we there soon?’ I asked for about the 100th time in the past hour. 

Sighing, my mom answered, ‘yes, in about a half an hour.’

‘You already said that a half an hour ago.’ I retorted, grumpy from the long drive. We had been driving for nearly nine hours straight by now. I was tired, hungry and I couldn’t feel my arse anymore.

‘We’re there in about five minutes, Clarke. I’ve just got to find the street.’ My dad and saviour finally said.

‘Finally, I’m starving’, came a muffled voice next to me. I snorted in a very un-lady like manner and said, ‘you’re always hungry, Aden. Nothing new.’ He just grinned at me, and retorted in a mocking voice, ‘yeah, but I’m still growing. Unlike you. If you eat more you will only grow in width.’ At that I shot him a glare, daring him to say more. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction by saying or doing something stupid in front of my parents… Not again.

A few minutes later, my dad finally announced, ‘we’re there’, while he parked the car in the drive way which now belonged to us. When the car had finally stopped, I slammed the door open and jumped out of the car, nearly nocking my mother over in the process who was also just getting out. I walked around a bit to get some feeling back in my legs and more importantly my arse, before taking in my surroundings.

The huge mansion like house that was right next to hours, was the first thing that caught my attention. It looked out of place; it was the tallest and largest house and the only one with this huge forecourt and even a gate that separated the property. I took it in for a few more seconds until the artist in my caught sight of something else; nature. Tall trees were lined up every few meters next to the street. As it was the beginning of autumn, the leaves were starting to change their colour from a bright green, to a quieter but still beautiful red and yellow.

It must be quite early in the morning as the sun was only starting to rise and it was still quite cold. I checked my watch; 6:28 am. My dad had told us that we would leave in the evening to avoid traffic and would arrive in the morning. But he obviously must have miscalculated himself by a few hours because for me ‘morning’ was around 8 o’clock. Everything under that still counted to ‘night’.  


I looked up at the sky again, now taking in the fading moon and the bright colour the sun was eliciting. The artist in me was already trying to capture every detail, the different mix of colours; red, yellow, orange, even a shade of pink… it was absolutely stunning. Before I could lose myself in the beauty of nature, the sound of the back door of the moving van being opened got my attention. 

My sight moved to Aden who was already jumping around like a small kid who ate too much sugar, or like he had an insect up his shorts. I snorted at the thought and then first really looked at the place we would be living in. I had never seen this house before. The cover up story of why we had left so fast, was that my dad got a job offer as a computer engineer. My parents decided that he would take it as it paid way better than his previous work place. and because his new workplace needed him as fast as possible, my parents didn’t make much of a hassle about where we would live and trusted a friend of my mom’s.

My mom’s friend, Marcus Kane, lived here in Polis and sent them the details of some of the houses that were on sale. He was also the one who suggested this house. Already two weeks later after he suggested it, we were packing up and leaving a place I had spent all my live at. Regarding everything, I was happy to leave our old home because of some certain things that had happened in my past. Though I was grateful that we left the place where a rather traumatic experience had happened, I was still devastated to leave my best friend, Wells and my now Ex-boyfriend, Finn.

 

I had broken up with Finn only a few hours previous, the memory still painful. 

I had gone to visit him before we left for Polis, the place I am going to be calling ‘home’ from now on. Finn had been acting weird lately and I didn’t want to leave without knowing that we were okay.

So that’s how I found myself knocking on the main door and being greeted by his mother with a tight hug and a warm smile. I had to promise her, to keep in contact and she wished me luck at the new school and the long drive. She told me that Finn should be in his room and gave me a last tight hug, before retrieving back to her office.

I took two stairs at a time, knocked at Finn’s door and went in without hesitation. Because there was no way that I could have possibly know what I would be seeing; Finn lying there on his back, with some random girl riding him. The sight made me stop, not capable of moving or saying anything.

I felt the tears prick at the back of my eyes and my breathing coming out in short pants.

What brought me out of my stupor was when he finally noticed me at the door, his eyes widening. He immediately pushed the girl off of him and was just about to put some shorts on, when I ran back outside towards my car.

I couldn’t hold the tears back and just let them flood down my face. Just when I was about to reach for the car door, I heard Finn calling after me.

‘Clarke, wait please. I can explain.’ I turned around and looked at him, his face so familiar that it sent a new wave of pain through my body. We had been dating for nearly two years, we both shared many first times witch each other, from the first date, to the first kiss and as time passed the more intimate firsts. He was always so patient, caring and loving. I had fallen in love with him, with all of him, even his weird and sometimes annoying quirks.

So to see the person you love, do something you never thought would be capable of doing… it shatters something inside of you. That was what made it even worse to physically push him away when he stepped closer.

‘Please, Babe.’ He tried again, stepping in my personal boundary. Disregarding my warnings, he just came even closer and this time, I let all my emotions; frustration, anger and sadness, glide in one hard punch which elicited a satisfying sound of bones crushing.

Finn landed hard on the floor, clutching his nose and after a few seconds of regenerating, he looked at me with wide eyes. I didn’t even feel the pain I should have felt in my hand; in fact I didn’t feel anything, numbness overtook all of my senses and also my voice, so when I said, ‘we’re over’, it came out without any kind of emotion.

Finn started to shake his head, his eyes tearing up as he pleaded, ‘Babe, I… I love you. Please don’t go. We can talk about it.’

I repeated his previous movement, shaking my head slowly while the last words I would ever speak to him came out barely louder than a whisper, ‘no. Nothing you say will ever make this okay again. Make us okay. We’re over’. At the last word my voice broke and the tears started streaming down like a waterfall again.

I opened my car door, trying to get away as fast as possible from the person who used to ignite so much happiness in my live, but was now only the cause of pain. When I started driving away, Finn ran after the car, calling after me that he was sorry. But I just kept driving, and soon his figure disappeared, same as the last happy memory of this place. That was the last time I saw and spoke to him after we had been dating for nearly 2 years.

I was only 16 years old though, so I still had pretty much my whole live open. I would meet new people, make new friends, and have new relationships and new heartbreaks. But that was still all about to come and right now, I just wanted to get through this first heartbreak and try to replace the memories of Finn, with ones that wouldn’t pull me down a hole of sadness and disappointment.

 

Blinking my eyes to get rid of the tears that had collected there from the memory of him, I started walking to the house I had been staring at. If I already had to live here from now on, I should at least use Aden’s distraction and pick a room before he did. 

My parents were already behind me with some boxes in their hands.

‘Can you open the door, please?’ asked my dad, holding the keys in a weird angle as both of his hands were occupied.

I unlocked the heavy, wood door and stepped in. I was now standing in a very large entry way, with high ceilings, white walls and a floor made of dark wood. On to my right side was a slightly hidden door, which led to a small bathroom. I made my way through the hallway, which led to an open and very spacious living room, with an open kitchen to my right. The floor was made from the same dark wood, which suited very well with the black, marble kitchen counters. On the left side of the living room, right at the wall, were winding stairs that led upstairs to three rather spacious rooms and two bathrooms.

I picked the room that looked out at the garden, right at the end of the hallway. My parents picked the one, closest to the stair case and Aden was left with the room on the right side to mine. He was happy that it was a bit further away from our parent’s room, as he didn’t want to ‘hear gross sounds from them’.

We compromised with our parents that Aden and I would get the larger bathroom. It was on the opposite of Aden’s room, on the left to mine. The other bathroom was on the opposite of our parent’s room, on the left to Aden’s and was a bit smaller. But both had a shower, a bath, a toilet and two sinks each.  


After we had sorted out who got which room, we started unloading the van. It barely took us a half an hour as the main van still had to arrive. This was the smaller one we filled with the boxes and things that didn’t fit in the big one. And since our furniture was still in the moving van that had yet to arrive, we couldn’t unpack most of the boxes as they didn’t have a space to go.

Instead my family decided to go look for a place to get breakfast or anything edible really. ‘You seriously want to go food shopping at the ass crack of dawn?’ my dad just laughed at my exasperated tone. ‘Yes, Clarke. And you are coming with us.’ I stared at him in disbelieve. 

Before I could try to find an excuse, along the lines of ‘far too early in the morning’, my mom spoke up and destroyed any hope of not having to go with, ‘we are all going together, I know that you are tired but we haven’t got any furniture here anyway so there’s no place to sleep or even sit on.’ ‘How about the floor?’ I deadpanned, only receiving a pointed look from my mom as a clear no to my unfortunately only half joked question.

I sighed deeply and slowly got up, cursing under my breath that this was a stupid idea. I put my shoes back on and walked outside to meet the others who were apparently waiting for me. My dad locked the door after he made sure that he had everything he needed.

We started walking in a random direction since we didn’t have a clue where we were anyway. The air had warmed up a bit but it was still quite cool with the small cardigan I was wearing. We walked along the street, where similar looking houses were lined up next to each other. They all seemed to have a big parking space, tall windows and a huge backyard. We were as lucky as a few other people who lived here and had a built in pool in the garden.

While I had been checking out the house (or subtly avoiding to help with unpacking), I stumbled upon an attic. There was a string attached to the pull down stairs, I hadn’t gone up there yet but I was intending to check that out as soon as we got back home. This was in fact the first time I referred our new house as ‘home’, and oddly it felt right.

I had drifted so far away with my thoughts that I didn’t notice that my mom and dad stopped in front of me. I barely managed to sidestep to not run in my dad. Wondering why they had stopped, I looked up and saw the gate to a graveyard on the left side a bit further away. A sad feeling passed through me at the memory of my grandparents. They both had died last year and it still stung to be reminded of their passing. The only solace was that I knew they had died happy.

‘Marcus had told me that there was a graveyard on the way.’ Abby said, pulling me out of my thoughts. Jake just nodded and laid his arm around my mom, trying to lead the family away. I didn't see the worried glance both of my parents shot in my direction, concerned how I would react considering some past experiences.

What had happened back at our old home was the true reason why we had moved, but if someone asked we agreed for a cover-up story; the one where my dad said that he had gotten a job offer and that, that was the reason why we had to move.

My mom and dad had already walked further, not noticing that me and Aden hadn't followed them.

‘Do you think you will be buried here once?’ Aden asked in a surprisingly soft voice. 

I looked at my younger brother, studying him for a moment. He had the same hair colour like our dad; dark blonde. My hair was a lighter shade of blonde, apparently a colour I had from me deceased grandmother. I also had the same bright blue eyes my dad had, while Aden’s eyes were a more subtle grey.

‘To be honest, I don’t think that I want to be buried when I die.’ We started walking slowly past the grave yard. ‘I think I want to be cremated when I die. Then my ashes can be strewn, it’s as if my soul would be free.’ I was already preparing to be laughed at from Aden, but he surprised me again when he nodded with a thoughtful expression. ‘How about you?’ I asked with a quite voice.

He thought for a few seconds before he answered timidly, ‘I think I’d rather be buried. You know, together with someone you love. You would be together in live but also in death.’ After Aden realised what he had just said, he blushed bright red. But I had never been so proud of him to give such a heartfelt and deep answer. He was 14 years old, soon 15, and yet he still gave more mature answers than a few adults did.

‘I like your idea of being together with someone forever. Not even death can separate you.’ He looked up at me and smiled hesitantly at my approval. We didn’t have that typical brother-sister relationship where you fought all the time but never could be mad at each other for longer than a few hours. What we had was different in so many ways. Of course we fought occasionally, but we also stuck together as if our live depended on it. Our special bonding was the result of this one event that had happened in the past. It was something, that we kept for ourselves, our own little secret and that made our bond unbreakable.  


‘So, enough sappy shit for today’, Aden joked and I chuckled at his choice of words.

We walked a bit faster to catch up with our parents. Together as a family, we strolled along the path until the houses changed to restaurants and shops. Aden spotted a small diner and we all took a seat in one of the comfy, red booths. We each ordered a big, unhealthy breakfast and coffee. Well Aden didn't get any coffee, because he wasn’t allowed, as he already was hyperactive.

Soon after we finished breakfast, we headed back to our new house to spend the day back there. By the time we got back, there were already some people on a morning run or getting the mail. I had to admit that it was peaceful, much quieter than in Ohio where the mornings were disrupted by cars honking and other loud sounds. Here it was the birds chirping and kids laughing that filled the morning stillness.


	3. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Clarke's POV again. The POV will change between Clarke and Lexa througout the whole fic.
> 
> And I also wanted to say (or rather write); I will not abandon this fic or leave it open for a few months until I post the next chapter. I have got a few chapters ready and the work will be posted quite regularly in the beginning.

Saturday had passed relatively fast after we got back from our small exploring trip. 

The moving van with all the furniture had arrived in the afternoon and we had been unpacking the whole day. But we had managed at some point and fortunately I could spend my whole Sunday just hanging around and texting Wells. I already missed him, he was my childhood best friend after all and we used to spend nearly every minute together when we grew up. I called him on Sunday morning and we spent nearly two hours talking, it probably would have been longer if my mom hadn’t reminded me to eat.

I didn’t mind to hang around at home and do nothing for a few hours. But now when my mind wasn’t occupied otherwise, my thoughts drifted to Finn and the ugly way we parted. I was very close to calling him back or answering his texts. But I stayed strong and ignored his endless calls and messages, opting to turn my phone off and draw instead.

The rest of my Sunday was spent relatively eventless. During the evening it came to my mind that I still wanted to check out the attic. 

I called Aden and we looked at it together, debating where we could put furniture. There was a small window on each end of the building. One was looking out to the garden, the other gave you an open view of the street and the people who walked past.

After we had informed our parents of the attic, which we had forgotten to do in our excitement, they said that we could bring ideas what we would want to put up here. My dad said that they were too old to climb the ladders anyway, resulting in me agreeing with him and my mom shooting a slightly offended glare in my direction.

Aden and I spent the rest of the evening making a rough sketch with where we wished to put a television, a couch and maybe a shelf with the board games we had stacked in the garage.

Our parents agreed that we would be getting a television with a TV stand, a pull out couch in case we wanted to have a sleep over and a shelf for board games, books and other things. They offered that we should buy a rug as well to make it a bit more comfortable but also for soundproofing reasons.

The last hours of the evening passed and then it was already time to go to bed. Tomorrow was mine and Aden’s first day of school and I wanted to be as prepared as possible. I went to bed extra early and fortunately fell asleep without negative thoughts occupying my mind.

When I woke up, it was because of the sunlight shining through my windows. I hadn’t unpacked everything yet, meaning that the blinds for the windows were still in one of the boxes. I groaned and turned on my other side, shielding my face from the light. Checking the time, I still had another half an hour before I had to get up.  


I must have fallen asleep again, this time not getting woken up due to the glaring sun light, but to the annoying sound of my alarm clock. I turned it off and it took all of my willpower to roll out of bed.

I entered the bathroom, which I will be sharing with Aden, took a quick shower and brushed my teeth. I got dressed for the day and applied a little bit of make-up.

When I went downstairs, my parents and Aden were already up and about. I greeted everyone with a ‘morning’ and received a ‘morning, sweetie’ from my mom, a ‘hey, kiddo’ from my dad and an undecipherable greeting from Aden, who had his face stuffed with food as usual. I grabbed an empty cup and filled it with some black coffee that my dad had just made.

‘Hey, Clarke?’ Aden began, just as I took a seat on one of the bar stools. 

I hummed, waiting for the question I already knew would follow.

‘What time are you leaving for school?’ he asked.

At that I checked my watch and said, ‘in five minutes. You want to come with?’

He nodded his head and quickly ran upstairs to brush his teeth.

‘Have you got everything packed for school?’ my mom asked after a while.

‘Yes, I double checked and yes I know that I need to meet the principal before school', I replied, before she had the chance to ask me.

My dad just chuckled at that, kissed my mom on her cheek and then added right before he went out of the door to leave for work, ‘don’t take it out on your mother Clarke, she is just worried about the job interview. Good luck for it, Honey. Bye Clarke, Aden’, he said, just as he walked out of the door and Aden came back from upstairs.

‘Ready to go?’ Aden asked, jumping around excitedly.

I nodded and downed the rest of my coffee.

‘By the way mom, will you finally tell me for what position or even where you are being interviewed at?’

My mom just smiled mischievously and shook her head. I rolled my eyes at her antiques, but still offered good luck bevor I put my shoes on and got in the car. 

After approximately ten minutes we arrived at school, silently thanking my navy. My sense of directions was so bad, we probably would have ended in China if I had to find the way on my own.

I parked in one of the many still open parking spaces and got out. For once, Aden didn’t immediately run off to do something stupid but stayed with me. We walked up the stairs and went through the main door. As school only started in 15 minutes, there weren’t many people there yet. The few that were, shot some curios glances in our direction but nobody approached us.

Aden and I were just making our way to the principal’s office after I had asked someone and she had explained where it was. 

‘Walk to the end of this hallway, your next left and then the immediate door on the right’, the brunette had said.

We found the door without a problem and I was just about to knock on it when a girl caught my eye.

The light was a bit harsh, but it made the green of her eyes even more noticeable. It was probably also of the fact that her clothes were a stark contrast to her eyes. Everything was a dark colour; black, ripped skinny jeans with a dark, grey tank top and a black leather jacket. To complete the look, she was wearing black combat boots. Her whole exterior practically screamed, ‘stay away from me’. I felt oddly intrigued by the broody, mysterious girl.

I must have zoned out when I heard someone clear their throat. Aden, of course. 

I quickly pulled my eyes away from the girl that had distracted me and quickly knocked on the door of the principal’s office. I felt Aden’s eyes on me but I ignored the knowing smirk on his face and concentrated on the present.

Moments after I had knocked, the principal opened the door. 

He was a middle aged man, with a friendly smile and some streaks of grey in his hair. When he recognized who we were, he smiled widely and ushered us both inside that we could get the formal stuff out of the way. 

When he introduced himself, his name felt oddly familiar but I couldn’t think of as why. Anyway, I liked him nearly instantly and I was quite sure he was the type of person who let you get through some things if you were on his good side.

The conversation with the principal passed quite fast. He explained the ‘school’s policy and rules’. Just the same stuff I had heard at my old school; no smoking, drinking or any other illegal activities during school. If you were late, your parents would be informed about your absence, bla bla bla. Then he shared some information about the teams and try-outs if we were interested in joining some teams and at last told us to go by the secretary to pick up our schedule and the books we would be using for classes.

‘Room 314. Follow this hallway and then turn left, it will be the door on your immediate right.’ The nice secretary helped me out. 

I followed her instructions and found the door. I took a deep breath and checked that I looked decent before I knocked on the door.

The professor, who opened it, must have been quite young. She had dark blond hair and a smile which reached her eyes.

‘Good morning, you must be Clarke Griffin? I am Professor Harmon.’ she greeted.

‘Good morning. Yes, that would be me.’

She let me in the room, and I got a few more curious glances from some more students. That wasn’t surprising as I was the ‘new girl’.

‘Would you mind to introduce yourself?’ she asked.

I nodded and turned to the class, ‘Hi, I’m Clarke Griffin and I’m 16 years old. I just moved here from Ohio, with my parents and my younger brother.’

Professor Harmon nodded and then asked me to take a seat next to a girl she called Raven.

I went to the middle row and sat next to said girl who waved at me to indicate that I should sit next to her. When I sat down, I unpacked my pencil case, notebook and the books I received from the secretary.

‘Hey I’m Raven Reyes.’

She held out her hand, which I took. I smiled and said, ‘you probably already know that, but I’m Clarke Griffin.’

She smirked and said, ‘yeah, I might not listen much what is said in this class, but I actually did heard your name.’

I chuckled at that and I felt myself getting calmer already. During the lesson, I got to know Raven a bit better and she explained some stuff to me, not really school related to be honest. She explained some of the ‘’hall rules’’, who the players on the soccer team were and that I shouldn’t hang out with them as most of them were dicks. She also said some stuff about the cheerleaders, who to avoid if possible and who had which role.

Soon the bell was ringing, signalling the end of the lesson. I packed my stuff and walked out of class, next to Raven who, as I only noticed now, had a brace on her left leg. I hadn’t seen it before as we were sitting but now it was quite obvious. But I decided to not ask her about it, she would tell me if she really wanted to and I knew from experience that some subjects you didn’t even want to talk to with someone close to you, and certainly not a stranger.

‘What’s your next class?’ Raven asked, as we were walking down the hallway. She was showing me where my locker was, that I could storage some of the books that I didn’t immediately need. 

I checked my schedule, and saw that I had a double chemistry lesson. ‘Chemistry, with Professor Sinclair’, I read to Raven.

She grinned and said, ‘Sinclair’s the best Professor at this school. He helped me to not get suspended as I accidently set the fire alarm off during class.’

I started laughing and asked incredulously, ‘how did you manage that?’

She smirked, ‘put a bit too much sulphur in the glass flask and made it go ‘boom’.’

I scrunched up my nose, remembering the time I had first smelled sulphur. The smell was… disgusting, to say the least.

We arrived at my locker and Raven let me set my new password and store my books away. We then began walking in the direction of the chemistry lab, as Raven also had her class that way. On the way there, I saw the girl from today morning talking with an attractive, brown haired girl.

When Raven saw who I was looking at, she frowned and said in a quiet voice that only I would hear her. ‘Ah, Lexa Woods. You might want to stay away from her because she can be quite… intimidating. She does MMA, mixed martial arts and once broke a guy’s nose after he called her a ‘dike’.

‘Wait, seriously?’ I asked in surprise, while I took a mental note of her name.

‘Yup, was quite brutal. He now knows not to cross her path.’ I nodded in thought, curios of who Lexa Woods exactly was.

We were now walking right passt Lexa and I couldn’t hold myself back from shooting another glance in her direction. She must have felt my eyes on her and looked up, our eyes meeting for a split seconds before I looked away. I didn’t look back when Raven and I made the rest of the way to our next class but I felt her gaze on me, probably seizing the ‘’new girl’’ up.  


Raven said her goodbyes when we arrived at the chemistry lab, and went to her own class. I introduced myself to Professor Sinclair, and was relieved when he told me to take a seat. I hated it when you had to stand in front of all the students and introduce yourself in every single class over and over again.

I occupied one of the seats in the back row and unpacked my stuff again, this time planning to actually use it. But my good intentions were soon thrown out of the window when I caught sight of a certain brunette. She didn’t notice me as I might or might not have hid myself behind my chemistry book. 

Soon the rest of the class was filling in and right before the bell rang again, a dark haired girl with a strong jawline rushed in.

As the only available seat left was next to me, she made her way towards the back row and occupied the chair next to me. She unpacked her books and while Professor Sinclair was explaining an experiment we would be trying today, she turned to face me.

I tried not to squirm in my seat at the intense gaze she had, waiting for her reaction. What she saw must have satisfied her, if her outstretched hand and a smirk were something to go for.

‘I’m Octavia’, she half said, half whispered.

I responded with a small smile, while shaking her hand. ‘Clarke.’ Other than that awkward introduction, our conversations were a bit lighter. While we talked I found that she seemed quite nice and she certainly had a special humour as I gathered in the two lessons.

During the chemistry lessons, I couldn’t stop myself from occasionally looking at Lexa. She was two rows, and four seats on my right in front of me. I couldn’t see her face from here, but I noticed her body language; crossed arms which most people unconsciously did when they were closed off. 

The chemistry lessons passed quite fast after Octavia ‘lightly’ punched my arm to get my attention back. I didn’t do that mistake twice and from now on kept my attention on our chemistry project, writing down notes as I should have done since the beginning of the lesson.

After chemistry, I had a maths lesson and before I even knew, it was already lunchbreak. I didn’t know the way to the school cafeteria, but that wasn’t necessary as I just followed the main stream of people.  
I arrived in the large room and searched for a familiar face. I spotted Aden with a couple of other kids, happy that he had met some people as well. Looking around again, I saw Raven who was already sitting at a table next to Octavia, surprising me that I had been sitting next to two people in the same friends circle.

I made my way towards them and before I even had to ask, Raven already told me to sit down. I shot her a grateful smile and sat down, opposite of her and Octavia.

‘Hey Clarke’, Raven greeted.

‘Hey’, I said back to both, Raven and Octavia.

‘Octavia, this is Clarke. Clarke, Octavia.’ Raven said, still unaware that we already had met.

‘Yeah, I know. I had to endure Chemistry next to her.’

Raven just laughed after her initial surprise and Octavia grinned and stuck her tongue out to me. I just chuckled and mentally high fived myself of already making progress in the friends department.

Usually I didn’t have problems making new friends as I was quite a social person, I was outgoing and I didn’t mind to go to a party once in a while. But it was still nerve wracking coming to a new school and I was just happy that I had already found two people who I would like to be friends with.

’So what torturous classes do you have after lunch?’ Raven asked in a mocking tone, probably already aware of my answer. 

‘Sports’, I said, with barely concealed demotivation.

Raven snorted and sarcastically said, ‘I thought you wanted to do cheerleading. Shouldn’t you have at least a slight interest in movement?’

‘It’s not that I dislike moving, I just don’t like the stuff we do in sports. For example soccer, chasing after a ball and trying to kick it in the nett on the other side. Who likes that?’ I countered.

‘True’, Raven admitted. ‘At least I’m excused from sports.’ She said, with a satisfied grin.

I just nodded and began with my food. I wanted to keep the following two lessons out of my mind as long as possible.

Ten minutes before lunch break, Aden stepped to our table and asked, ‘hey Clarke, when is your last lesson?’ 

‘2. Period’, I answered.

‘Okay, will you wait for me?’ He asked hopeful.

‘Sure’, I said before he was already gone with some other guys.

‘Was that your brother?’ I heard Octavia ask.

I nodded my head and chuckled when I heard Raven say, ‘jeez, your family has good genes.’  


After lunch, I headed to the locker rooms and changed in a loose T-shirt and shorts.

It was a warm day and the fact that we had to run around the field for warming up didn’t help. Other than the short run, I actually enjoyed what we did.

The teachers asked the students, and picked an idea from one of the students that was ‘appropriate’ for a sports lesson. Someone said we could sleep, and when the sports teacher retorted that ‘sleep’ wasn’t really accounted as a sport type, she added without thinking, ‘how about bed sports?’ She blushed bright red when she noticed what she had just suggested and the whole class burst out laughing.

The rest of the class went past faster than I had anticipated and soon I was already heading to my car.

Aden was already waiting there, though he obviously didn’t notice me approaching him because he was so engrossed what this guy was just telling him. I smiled deviously, planning to scare the shit out of him. He had done that so many times to me when we still lived at our old house.

I arrived at my car and just when I was about to shout in Aden’s ear, the other guy he was talking with noticed me and the look on his face must have warned Aden. 

The latter turned around to face me and I could have sworn that I saw a faint blush on his face, as if I caught him doing something. But that was just a fleeting moment when he smiled brightly at my arrival and turned to the other guy, probably to say goodbye. What I didn’t expect was that after I sat in the car and started the engine, he was still talking to him.

A few more seconds passed and Aden still hadn’t made a move to get in the car. I was just about to call for Aden, when the other guy opened the door for my brother, and Aden got in with a flustered expression.

I studied the two of them as they stared at each other, a smirk firmly on my face. I cleared my throat to get their attention and Aden blushed a shade darker. They both murmured a good bye before the other guy gently closed the car door and let me drive home.

I quirked an eyebrow at Aden, who was expertly avoiding my eyes while staring out of the window.

‘So, what was that about?’ I asked, curious of the behaviour of them two.

Aden glanced at me for a second, before looking away and quietly answering, ‘nothing’.

I smirked and said, ‘well, whatever ‘'nothing'’ is, I’ll figure it out at some point.’

For the rest of the way home, Aden didn’t say anything. That was already very unusual because usually I had a hard time to shut him up for a few seconds. Maybe whatever just had happened really was something that bothered him.

When we got home, I parked the car and when Aden was just about to get out of the car, I held him back with a firm hand on his arm.

‘Wait. before you go, I want to tell you something', I started.

It was obvious that Aden was thinking if he should just jump out or risk it and stay to hear me out. He chose the latter and nodded his head for me to continue. He sat back and turned to me for the first time since I had seen whatever ‘’that’’ was.

I breathed through my nose and said in a soft voice, ‘you know that you can talk to me right? Whatever it is, I won’t judge.’

I looked in his grey eyes, the eye colour he apparently had from our grandfather, and waited for his answer.

‘Okay’, was the only thing he said, before he quickly climbed out of the car.

I sighed, wondering what the hell that just was. But I knew Aden, he would tell me at some point. He usually just needed a bit time, but he knew that he could trust me.

When I entered the house, I was relieved that my parents weren’t home yet. My dad must still be working and my mom was probably doing some errands or whatever. 

I walked up the stairs and closed the door when I arrived in my room. There were still some leftover boxes to be sorted out.

I put my schoolbag next to my desk, which we had painstakingly slow dragged up the stairs and started with unpacking and sorting everything out. It didn’t take me that long to get done, and soon I was able to start with the homework we got today. I had always been very studious, trying my best in every subject no matter how boring it was.

While I did homework I had my headphones on, the music shutting out all the sounds around me. That’s how I didn’t hear the main door being opened and my mother stepping in. I missed the footsteps coming up the stairs and then approaching my room. I didn’t hear the knock on the door and when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, I literally jumped up and knocked my knee on my desk.

‘What the fuck?’ I shouted while I ripped the headphones off.

‘Clarke, language!’ scolded my mother while she had a hand on her heart, also shocked at my reaction.

‘Shit’, was all I muttered while I rubbed my now throbbing knee. ‘You know that you shouldn’t sneak up to me like that.’

‘Then turn the music down that you are able to actually hear anything.’

I rolled my eyes, this was not the first time we had this kind of conversation, so to not fight with my mother any longer I changed the subject. ‘Anyway, how did the interview go?’

The look on my mom’s face changed immediately and a huge smile spread on her face. ‘I got the job,’ was all she said grinning before I shot up and hugged her tightly.

‘Wow, congrats mom.’ I said back, grinning widely. ‘So, can you now finally tell me for which job?’

Instead of answering, my mom just shook her head, the grin on my face falling immediately. ‘Mom, you are seriously still not telling me?’

‘I am going to tell the whole family at dinner because I am not entirely sure if you are going to like the answer’, was all she responded before she made her way back out.

I groaned, returning back to homework that I could at least get that done before dinner.


	4. I’m sorry

I was sitting on the roof of our house and gazing at the moon and stars. I had made my way out of the window and climbed up to the roof. 

It was a bit reckless, as my bedroom was on the top floor and it was a long drop down. One with a rather low surviving rate. But I did it anyway, and the view definitely was worth the risk. From here I could see the moon brightly shining down, the stars completing the picture. It was breath taking. Lying there, with my hands under my head, I let my thoughts drift. 

Out of whatever reason, a certain letter came to my mind. It was the one I got from Costia, her last words to me, her good bye. I found it on my desk when I got home, the memory as present as if it only had happened yesterday.

I got home after a long exhausting day at school. Our teacher, Professor Pike, was being a huge dick again and annoyed the shit out of me. Now I was ready to just let go and enjoy my weekend.

When I arrived in my bedroom, I dropped my bag next to my bed and stripped out of my clothes to have a quick shower. It took me less than 5 minutes to get washed and dress in a pair of sport shorts and a baggy T-shirt.

I took my glasses from my nightstand and my bag, which I had dropped next to my bed, fully intending to finish my homework. It was only then that I noticed the letter on my desk, the neat handwriting immediately telling me it was from Costia.

I frowned and tentatively took it. I was used to that Costia would sometimes surprise me with something but this felt different.

With shaking fingers, I opened the envelope and took the folded letter out. I sat down on my bed and started reading.

I had barely read the first few sentences that I knew something was wrong. I immediately grabbed my phone and dialled Costia’s number while I ran outside to get my shoes on. She didn’t pick up, something that pretty much never happened. I tried ringing her home but nobody picked up the phone either.

When I slipped in my shoes, I ran to my car and fumbled with my keys for a while until I finally got the door open. I drove as fast as I could to Costia’s house, driving about 30 km/h over the speed limit but I didn’t care in that moment.

When I arrived there, I practically jumped out of the car and ran over to the main door. I banged on the door for several seconds and after nobody opened it, I let myself in and ran through the hall upstairs to her bedroom.

When I barged in to her room, she wasn’t there. I sprinted to the bathroom, the only other place that came to my mind.

‘Fuck’, I shouted as I noticed that the bathroom door was locked.

I stepped back and with all the force I could bring out, I kicked the door open.

The sight I was greeted with made me nearly throw up. Costia was laying there, empty pill bottles lying around her.

I rushed towards her and measured her pulse. Nothing. With shacking and numb fingers, I dialled the number for an ambulance and quickly told them what had happened and the address.

I threw my phone on the floor and pulled Costia. I tried to make her throw up to get rid of the poisonous amount of pills she had swallowed but it didn’t work.

‘No, no, no, fuck Costia, please don’t do this to me’, I shouted. Tears were streaming down my face while I was looking at the now pale face of the person I loved most.

I only faintly heard the sound of the ambulance arriving. I barely noticed the presence of the paramedics as they checked her over and started with CPR. I didn’t really feel it when someone pulled me away from Costia as the paramedics were loading her on a stretch bar. I was out of it, too focused on the dying body of my girlfriend, the person whom I loved and adored more than anything or anyone.

From the second I started reading that letter, to me seeing her lifeless body on the bathroom floor, from sitting next to her parents in the emergency room desperately waiting for good news…everything passed in a blur. But everything came crashing down the moment the doctor came stepping out of the room, his expression holding everything I was dreading to know. He just shook his head and stayed there when Costia’s mom broke down and her father hugged her tightly, letting his own tears escape.

I felt numb. My heart was beating so fast I was surprised that it hadn’t stopped from exhaustion, my breathing was erratic and everything was spinning. I barely registered the concerned look of some of the nurses when I ran out of the hospital, ran further until my legs couldn’t carry me anymore and broke down in to hard sobs.

I couldn’t believe it, this must be all an awful dream. She couldn’t be dead. But it wasn’t a dream, I was reminded by the fact when I felt the edges of the letter poking through the material of my shorts.

By the time I got my breathing under control and was able to have a clear thought, it was already quit dark.

It was only now that I saw where I was; I had subconsciously run to the forest. To a tree, our tree. We used to spend our afternoons underneath this tree, but now it was an excruciatingly painful reminder of what had happened mere hours ago. Another sob escaped my throat and I slung my arms around my legs.

I still couldn’t believe it. Costia had always seemed so happy, so content with life. I knew that there was only one possibility to know exactly why she had done it, why she had given up on herself and life. 

With shaking fingers I took the letter out again, but I couldn’t even read two words before I broke down again and had to put the letter back away.

The following weeks had been the worst of my life. Everywhere were I looked, I only received pitying looks. When the day of her funeral arrived, I didn’t cry. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I had exhausted my body with crying and wasn’t even strong enough to produce more tears.

On the 07.01.2017, exactly one month after her death, I was alone at home. The letter which had seemed to only bring out pain seemed to be the only comfort left. It was the last reminder of Costia and I held on it, as if my life depended on it. I still hadn’t read it, because every time I passed the second line, my throat tightened and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. But I knew that I had to read it eventually, I owed that to her.

With closed eyes I took the letter and unfolded it.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, the neat handwriting immediately reminding me of Costia and the last images I had of her. I shook my head and took another deep breath. Those images shouldn’t be the last ones I have of her, so instead I tried to abandon all memories for the moment and focused on the letter… her last words to me.

I took another deep breath and let the words overtake all of my senses, while I heard every word in Costia’s voice;

When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see, if the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you do today. While thinking of the many things we don’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.  


But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.  


And said my place is ready, in heaven far above, and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.  


But as I turn to walk away, a tear falls from my eye. I have so much to live for, so much left yet to do. It seems almost impossible that I am leaving you. But I just can’t do this anymore, live with the pain that follows me every waking minute. I want the pain to end, so please understand that I have to leave.  


I think of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad. I think of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.  


If I could re-live yesterday just even for a while, I’d say good bye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile.  


But then I fully realize that this could never be. For emptiness and memories will take the place of me.  


And when I think of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow. I think of you, and when I do, my heart is filled with sorrow.  


But when I walk through heaven’s gates, I feel so much at home when god looks down and smiles at me from his great golden throne.  


He says, ‘this is eternity and all I’ve promised you, today your life on earth is past but here life starts anew.’  


‘You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.’  


’But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free, so won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me.’  


So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart. For every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.

Goodbye my love, Cos.

A single tear escaped but I didn’t wipe it away, instead I looked up to the sky and I could nearly imagine that she was looking down at me with her own sad, little smile.

I stayed on the roof until it was way past midnight and I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore due to the cold air.

Before I climbed back down, I looked towards the sky again and said my goodbye, ‘goodnight, Costia’. Even though she wasn’t physically here, it still comforted me to keep up my night rituals.

I got up from my lying position and stood at the edge of the roof. With my hands firmly gripping the ledge of the roof, I swung myself through my window and landed on my desk with steady legs. Doing MMA certainly had its perks.

I jumped of my desk and pulled a sweatshirt on to get warm. Lying on the roof in the beginning of September at night with only a T-shirt wasn’t a very good idea as I had noticed.  


I felt my phone buzzing and read a text in a group chat I had with my two best friends, Laurel and David.

\- David, 00:08 am.  


Lex, I know that you don’t like parties but PLEASE come over. Lincoln’s throwing a house party!!!

I rolled my eyes at the unnecessary amount of exclamation marks and sighed. I knew my two best friends and if I said no, they would either spam me with texts or they would literally kidnap me to the party.

I shot David a quick text and got dressed in my usual wear; black, ripped jeans, a black loose t-shirt and my leather jacket.

I slipped my combat boots on and before I left, I checked myself in the mirror. I added a bit eyeshadow, satisfied how it made my eyes pop and brushed my teeth.

As quite as possible, I sneaked downstairs and breathed out in relieve when I saw that my father had already gone to bed.

That was a reason why I always kept all my belongings in my bedroom, I could always just climb out of the window without having to find a way to get my shoes from the door. It wasn’t a rare occasion that my father would sit in the living room or the kitchen, both from which you had a very good view of the main door.

My father was a control freak, he always wanted to know where I went, what I would be doing, who was there and when I was going to be back. To make things worse, he was very homophobic, transphobic, cruel and had some certain ways of ‘teaching lessons’ that would be considered as domestic violence. So to keep myself away from being ‘taught a lesson’, I went out as often as possible just to avoid him.

It also didn’t help that my father hated me. That I was gay was one reason, but what weighed even more was the fact that I was born intersex. That means that I am technically a girl, only with a penis.

I had learned to be able to accept myself but there were of course still very few people who knew. Costia and both of my best friends were some of those few people I trusted enough to know that they wouldn’t say anything. Titus, my father, on the other hand would also never say anything to another person but because of other reasons; he was ashamed of having a daughter who wasn’t ‘normal’.

I shook the thoughts off and stepped out of the door, closing it behind me. I walked over the forecourt of this mansion like building and opened the gate which divided our property from the street.

I made my way towards the town centre and took my phone out to contact my two best friends that I would be arriving soon.

It didn’t take me long and soon I could hear music and other noises coming from the party. Some people were sprawled in the garden while talking, drinking or making out.

I tried to avoid the people making out, not wanting to see the rather sloppy and disgusting display of a tongue battle going on.

I stepped inside of the quite big house and went looking for my friends who forced me to come over in the first place. On my search, I saw Lincoln. Lincoln Black was my cousin, his mother was so unfortunate and was my father’s sister.

‘Hey, Lexa.’ Lincoln shouted over the loud noise of the music and people chattering.

‘Hey’, I called back and went in for a short hug. ‘You seen Laurel or David?’ I asked loudly.

Lincoln only shook his head with an apologising smile, indicating that he didn’t know. Well, no surprise. There were about 70 people momentarily crowding this space, you could easily lose someone here.  


Before I made my way to go look for my friends, I called, ‘see you later, Linc’, and slowly pushed my way thought the crowd. It took me a while but I finally managed to get to the back lawn, taking in deep breaths. I had always hated big gatherings, it made me feel claustrophobic.

The fresh air helped and I stood up straight again and started searching the back yard. I quickly spotted familiar brown locks and made my way towards them.

Laurel noticed me coming closer and a big grin spread on her face.

‘Leeex’, she said drunkenly. I raised an eyebrow, deciding to stay sober that I could help Laurel to get home in her intoxicated state.

The slightly smaller girl hugged me, careful not to spill her drink. ‘You actually came’, she stated, slurring the words a bit. Her brown eyes were glassy, and her hair with the same dark brown shade was a bit messy.

‘Yeah of course, I don’t say things I don’t intend to do.’ Laurel just rolled her eyes playfully before she dragged me back inside with her towards the house.

When we entered the building, I sighed. I was hoping that I wouldn’t be forced to squeeze through the drunken idiots again but apparently my wish wasn’t granted.  


Laurel and I made our way between the warm and sweaty bodies and finally arrived in a more secluded room. There were approximately ten people gathered in a circle on the floor and by the looks of it, they were playing a drinking game.

I groaned internally, but before I even had the chance to flee, Laurel had already grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the others.

‘Hey Lex’, David greeted me with a wide smile. ‘Hey,’ I said back before I sat next to Laurel on the floor.

‘So for the new arrivals,’ David started explaining with a devious smile, ‘we are playing ’never have I ever’. So I hope you all have a full drink to begin with.’

Laurel passed me a can of beer from a cooler and I opened the drink, eagerly taking a drink. To hell with staying sober, if I already would have to endure this game with these drunken idiots, I wanted to be in a remotely intoxicated state. 

‘Who wants to start?’ a girl with brown hair asked.

I remembered her from school, Raven when I was correct. She was the one with the brace on her leg. It was only now that I noticed the new girl sitting next to Raven. Clarke, that’s it. She looked slightly tipsy, her blue eyes shining brightly in the light.

I was fortunately ripped out of my thoughts when I heard someone begin with, ‘never have I ever made out with a guy.’ Most of the girls groaned, someone adding, ‘that’s a low blow, Bell.’

A girl next to the guy spoke up, a smirk on her face, ‘never have I ever made out with a girl.’

I took a big gulp of my drink and noticed Clarke tentatively taking one. She wasn’t the only girl who also drank; two others took a drink as well so it was possible that she wasn’t even in to girls.

I knew for a fact that those other two were straight, only making out for some stupid reason like turning on some guy or whatever.

‘Okay, my turn,’ said the weird guy with goggles on his head. ‘Never have I ever drunk so much that I blacked out.’

I clenched my jaw and pushed the feelings down when I took another long sip of my drink. I felt a few pair of eyes on me but I kept my gaze down.

It was known that Costia and I had been dating and that she had died a few months ago. A few were also aware of the downward spiral I ended in; studying, eating, drinking and sleeping. That was my routine and on some weekends I got so wasted that I couldn’t remember anything. Laurel and David had been there for me all the time, checking on me and once finding me drunk on my floor, a half empty bottle of rum in my hands. They had made me throw everything back up as that certainly was a deadly dose of alcohol. And as I had refused to get help, they stayed at my side every second.

It was still a surprise to everyone how I could keep my grades up, not a single time dropping down below an A. But what nobody knew, was that my father's threats were more than enough motivation to occupy my time with learning.

I felt a warm hand on my right thigh and looked up in to Laurel’s concerned eyes. She gave me a questioning look and I gave her a subtle nod. We had known each other since Kindergarten and it sometimes seemed as if we could read each other’s mind. Finally someone spoke up again, trying to get rid of the oppressing silence.

‘Never have I ever fallen out of my bed during sex.’ It was quite for a few seconds until Bellamy took a drink and nearly everyone burst out laughing.

‘Seriously dude?’ asked the goggle guy.

Bellamy blushed a bit and waved it off, ‘I was drunk.’

I heard a few more snorts from a few people. It was Raven’s turn now and I was already dreading what would follow.

She thought for a few seconds before her eyes lit up and a devious grin spread on her face. Her gaze landed on a girl next to Clarke.

I was quite sure that she was the sister from Bellamy, Octavia if I remembered correctly. ‘Never have I ever had sex in a changing room.’

‘Fuck you, Rae’, said Octavia while taking a sip of her own drink. Some people cat whistled and Bellamy shouted, ‘What?’ with wide eyes.

The group laughed even harder at the shocked look on his face. When the chaos had finally died down, Clarke spoke up, clearly trying to get the focus away from Octavia.

‘Never have I ever smoked dope.’ The weird goggle guy and an Asian looking guy, high fived and both took a drink. I rolled my eyes, not surprised at all.

‘Never have I ever found sex toys from my parents.’

‘Gross, Miller’, said someone, while a few others made fake gag noises. Fortunately nobody had to drink and the girl next to the guy called Miller spoke up.

‘Sorry guys, but never have I ever been gay.’ She looked at me and Miller while she said it and I restrained myself from rolling my eyes. I caught Clarke’s gaze and this time it was me who looked away.  


‘Never have I ever thrown up because of alcohol.’ I drank, as most of the others did.

‘Never have I ever punched someone.’ At that I, two other guys and to everyone’s surprise, Clarke drank.

‘Never have I ever questioned my sexuality’, said one girl. This time it surprised me again that Clarke also drank. I raised a solitary eyebrow at the newfound information.

It was my turn now as I noticed and I thought of something that I had never done.

‘Never have I ever received detention.’ The most of the group groaned and I smirked, satisfied that nearly everyone had to drink.

The game went on for a while, but soon most of the group left to either get wasted somewhere else or go dancing.

‘Hey, Lex. How are you?’, asked David as we hadn’t had a chance to speak yet. I was just about to respond with the usual, ‘fine’, but was cut short by loud yelling from somewhere outside of the room. I immediately jumped up to check what was going on, the others directly behind me.

The commotion was coming from the front yard, where people already made a circle for two guys shouting and pushing each other.

I squeezed myself to the front and stepped in before any harm could be done.

Dax, the taller, dark haired guy who I knew from school was just about to punch the smaller one, but I intercepted by blocking his punch with my dominant arm and using his momentum to push him on his face, on the floor. The other guy only stood there dumbfounded at what had just happened.

I heard Lincoln’s voice first before he also pushed his way to the front. When he managed to get to the front of the circle, he merely took the sight in for a second before he shouted that everyone could hear, ‘okay, party’s over. Everyone leave now that we can deal with this bullshit.’

It took a few seconds and many angry glares of Lincoln until finally the biggest part of the crowd left. The only people left were Lincoln, David, Laurel, the two guys, me and to my surprise Raven, Octavia and Clarke. It made sense though by the longing looks Octavia and Lincoln were throwing to each other.

When the last party goers were finally out of sight, Lincoln studied the two guys and asked in a low and threatening voice, ‘what the fuck is this about?’ He crossed his arms and a glared at the smaller guy, waiting for an explanation.

The smaller guy instinctively stepped back, a reaction Lincoln was used to. He was tall and muscular, that combination automatically gained him respect from other people.

The smaller guy just shrugged his shoulders and acted as if nothing had happened. But Dax, whom I was still pressing to the ground must have seen his reaction and before anyone could ask any further questions, he snapped and shouted, ‘that son of a bitch slept with my girlfriend. And before you say you didn’t know, you did because you fucking met her before and I told you that she’s off limits, Sterling!’

Sterling, as he apparently was called, angrily replied, ‘well it isn’t my fault when that slut says that you broke up.’

I was distracted for a second by what I had just heard, but that was one second enough for Dax to throw me off and try to attack Sterling again. I mentally chastised myself for getting distracted, and immediately jumped back up. Dax was pushed back by Lincoln and I helped him by pulling him back on the neck of his coat.

‘Hey, stay back!’ I ordered, getting angry at how these fucking pricks were behaving.

Dax’s expression went from mad to raging and he snarled, ‘oh, you’re the one to say. Couldn’t even keep you girlfriend alive. What’s the reason she’s dead anyway? Did she kill herself to get away from you?’

It took me a few seconds to register what he had just said, but when I got the extent of it, I felt red hot anger boil up in me.

I heard a faint, ‘Oh shit’, from Laurel and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lincoln and David both moving forward at the same time. But they weren’t fast enough and before anyone could stop me, I threw a punch which had so much force, it literally flew Dax back a meter.

I was just about to give him another well-deserved punch, when I felt two strong arms around my middle hold me back. With much force, I managed to get out of Lincoln’s death grip and leaned over Dax who was lying on the floor.

I managed to get three hard hits, but then David and Lincoln grabbed me together and pulled me of the guy. They (barely) managed to keep me back from him.

‘How dare you speak about her like that? You have no idea what she had to endure, you fucking cunt!’ I shouted, my voice raw with emotions.

I kept fighting until my adrenalin thrust passed my system and my body was left weak and shacking in rage. Soon I gave up and I felt David pull me in a tight embrace while Lincoln let go of me.

I heard Lincoln talking with the others and saw them approaching Dax. He was still lying on the floor, clutching his clearly broken nose. Sterling used this moment of distraction to sneak off and soon was also out of sight.

‘I will fucking kill you, you dike.’ Dax shot at me but before I could retort, Lincoln pulled him up at his collar and held him up.

‘If you touch her, I will personally take care that you will end with much worse than a broken nose', he growled in a deep voice, which made Dax pale a bit.

Lincoln let go of him and pushed him away, ‘now get out of here before I change my mind and also leave a mark on your face.’

Dax ran away, nearly tripping over himself when he looked back to see if he was being followed by an angry Lincoln, or pissed Laurel. She might look quite harmless, but I knew that she certainly could defend herself.

This whole time, David kept me in a tight embrace, while Laurel was standing next to Lincoln and the others. Suddenly I felt everyone looking at me and that was what made me push David away and to walk away from everyone and the attention.

I heard Lincoln call my name and he was just about to run after me when Laurel and David both stopped him from doing so.

‘We can’t just let her walk around alone. What if that guy is back?’ Lincoln asked frustrated.

David’s answer was the last thing I heard, but it still hurt to be reminded of what had happened mere seconds ago, ‘Lincoln, I don’t like it either but I know she wants to be alone now. Especially after what that guy just said about…’

The last few words that David spoke nearly made me stop, but I didn’t. I kept going and didn’t look back, I didn’t want to see the pity that I would receive from everyone.


	5. How are you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter isn't very long, that's why I'm uploading two today. The second one is written in Clarke's POV and is longer than the one in Lexa's POV.
> 
> I am starting to go more in to detail with the character's lives now, the family issues and stuff like that. Clarke and Lexa will soon finally talk to each other, I promise ;)
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy and don't hesitate to leave a comment behind, good or positive :D

The moment I was out of sight of the others, I started running. I didn’t even look in what direction, not caring at all in this moment. I just needed to get away from everyone.

I kept running for a while longer until the exhaustion nearly made me faint. I doubled over and panted, trying to get enough air in my lungs. Soon the overwhelming feeling of passing out went away and I could stand up straight again.

I looked around me, noticing that I had run towards the town’s lake. Well, it technically didn’t belong to the town but the civilians living here often claimed it as theirs. It wasn’t a rare occasion that when people from the neighbour town would come over, a small fight would break out. It was something that I hated; how small minded and selfish human beings could be. How it seemed impossible for some to not share. That’s why I usually stayed to myself, if you keep away from people you can’t get hurt. And if you don’t hope or expect things, you won’t be so disappointed when something works out another way.

My gaze landed on the lake, the moon reflecting in the water. I walked over and sat on the edge of the dry grass, my feet dangling in the cold water. I sighed and thought back to the ‘’conversation’’ I had at the end of the party. That Costia had killed herself was known at school, but it still hurt immensely to be reminded of it.

Always when I thought back to that day, her pale form lying on the floor came back to my mind. The empty pill bottles scattered around the floor. The look on the doctors face when he came out to tell us the news. The pitying and shocked looks I received when I went back to school the following week.

The news had spread out like a tumour. Fast and deadly, reaching every part of the body. After only hours the whole town seemed to know.

I swallowed down the bile that tried to make its way out. Maybe it was the alcohol.

I sighed and lifted my hands to scrub over my face. The alcohol problem I had wasn’t as bad as it was a few months ago. I got a hold of it, my friends an important factor in that. If I didn’t have Laurel and David… I didn’t know what would have happened to me. They were and still are an important fundament in my live. But I also had someone else who would always help me, no matter what time it was. So I took my phone out and pressed on the call button next to her contact.

She took the phone after four rings, her voice groggy and tired.

‘Lex, what’s wrong? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?’ She didn’t sound angry, just concerned really.

‘I’m sorry for waking you’, I answered, trying to figure out how I should explain everything.

‘No, it’s alright. I told you that you can call me whenever. But seriously, what’s wrong? You usually only call me when something's up.’ 

I looked down in my lap, my free hand playing with the hem of my shirt.

‘I was at a party’, I started saying. Anya, my cousin and Lincoln’s older sister who was in college, waited for me go on. ‘Lincoln threw it, and well… it kind of escalated in the end.

‘Okaay’, Anya said, sounding anxious of what was about to come.

I sighed again, I had been dreading this part from the beginning of the conversation, but better just get done with it. ‘I hit a guy because he said it was my fault that Costia took her live’, I rushed out in one breath.

The line went silent for a while until I heard Anya sigh and ask in a quiet voice, ‘how are you?’

It took me a moment to answer, because really, how did I feel about it? Angry and sad but most of all… just tired. Tired of everything that had happened since Costia passed away. Tired because I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night due to a bad dream, panting and feeling like shit. Tired of all the things I got to hear from my father, that I was a disappointment and he expected more of me. Tired that I just wasn’t left alone, that everyone always asked me if I was okay, even though I clearly wasn’t. And to be honest, just tired with life but I had promised myself that I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t kill myself to stop the pain; instead I was going to bite through it until I got better. I had to do it, for me, my friends but also for Costia.

Anya didn’t disturb my train of thoughts, waiting patiently for me to answer her question.

‘I’ve felt better but also worse’, I answered vaguely. It was obvious that Anya wasn’t really satisfied with that but she didn’t push me. Instead she said the usual ‘okay’, and like all the other times, asked me if I wanted to talk about it.

As usual I answered with not yet and soon the conversation died down and I turned my phone off.

I put my phone back in my jeans pocket and looked out at the lake again. ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ I asked myself, getting up and gathering myself for the walk back home.

I had barely left the lake when I heard the motor of a car. It made me flinch. It wasn’t the car but much rather the driver I was dreading to see. Like I expected, my father’s dearest Mercedes Benz rolled around the corner. The tall man that emerged out of it had a right out murderous expression.

‘Get in the car’, he said, his voice full of unspoken threats.

I walked the short distance to the car and got in. I felt sick to my stomach, dreading more than ever to get home.

The drive was shorter than I wished it would be and soon my father was dragging me out of the car and inside of the house. When I was inside, he pushed me forward and slammed the door shut with so much force that the small window in the door shattered. He didn’t even flinch.

He started to slowly walk towards me, the glass on the floor crunching when he stepped on some pieces of glas. I started to back away but then I reached the kitchen table and I knew that I was cornered.

‘Where were you?’ He bellowed.

I swallowed and answered with a slightly shaking voice, ‘out’. That was obviously not the right answer as he stepped in my personal space, towering over me.

He bared his teeth and before I had time to react, Titus slapped me. I looked down on the floor, gritting my teeth at the pain.

‘Look at me when I talk to you’, he shouted and forced my face up with his hand under my chin.

‘Now tell me exactly where you were or you’ll regret from keeping something from me.’ He was looking down at me like an annoying bug he wanted to squash under his foot. And in a way I felt like that.

‘I was at Lincoln’s place, we hung out there with a few friends from school.’ I left out the part that it actually was a party and there was alcohol involved but it was useless as Titus filled out the blank himself.

This time though, I didn’t get a slap in my face. Now it was his fist which made contact with my ribs. Next, two rough hands threw me on the hard and cold marble floor behind him, followed by kick after kick in my abdomen.

I crumpled together, bringing my legs up to save my middle. But that only resulted in my legs getting the hits, which hurt even more because he hit the bone. The pain was so severe, I soon felt my vision go black and then I fainted.

When I woke up again it was due to the cold air that clambered its way through the broken window. The moon was shining through the window of the door, bright enough that I could see the mess on the floor. I tried to get up but when I put both of my hands on the floor to push myself up, I groaned in pain when the glass cut threw my flesh. Under even more pain, I managed to stand on two unsteady legs.

Everything hurt and when I looked down at myself, I could see the blood dripping down my hands. I slowly descended upstairs to wash myself and look at the severity of my wounds. Every step was torture, but I finally managed to arrive in my bedroom. I crossed the room and stepped in my on-suit bathroom.

I turned the harsh light on, wincing at how bright it was. With the light on, my hands looked even worse. I walked over to the sink and filled it with some warm water. When it was full, I turned the water of and gently laid my hands in it. It stung at first, but I kept them in the water and slowly started washing the blood off and using a tweezer to get rid of some pieces of glass that had embedded itself in my skin.

When I was done, I kept my eyes from the water which took on a disturbing colour. I let the bloody water drain away and swilled the bloodstains away.

With pain and a lot of swearing, I crouched down and grabbed the first aid bag which I had stored under the sink. I used it at least twice a month, sometimes even more often.

With some sterile cotton, I cleaned the wounds on my hands and gently applied some of the disinfection cream. I wrapped both of my hands with a new bandage and then went to tend my other wounds.  
Slowly I pulled my jacket and T-shirt off, groaning in pain. The sight in the mirror was… worrying, but I had endured worse, I told myself. There wasn’t really much I could do for my ribs as they were already deeply bruised. So instead, I got rid of the rest of my clothing and got ready for bed.

I washed my face and brushed my teeth. After, I headed back to my bedroom and slipped in a pair of sports shorts and a loose t-shirt, forgoing underwear. I carefully crawled on my bed, forcing back the groan of pain that wanted to escape my mouth.

It took me seconds to fall asleep, once I was more or less comfortably lying in my bed.


	6. Holy shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the second one for today.
> 
> Enjoy :)

‘Couldn’t even keep you girlfriend alive... killed herself… fucking dike.’

Everything passed in a blur. I didn’t even know how I ended up here, sitting in one of the bar stools at the kitchen counter in Lincoln’s house, nursing a cup of tea. The image of Lexa punching that guy after he said those things came back to my mind. He had mentioned something about her girlfriend killing herself. I had moved here merely a week ago and already I’m finding out disturbing shit like this. I didn’t know Lexa personally, I had heard of her of course, but never engaged in some kind of conversation. But even from the little amount of information I had of her, she didn’t deserved this. Nobody deserved this.

I looked around the table; Raven and Octavia were flanking me on both sides, Lincoln standing close to his girlfriend. David and Laurel were also here but they were a bit further away, obviously in a heated discussion.

A few more minutes passed until Laurel and David both made their way over to us. David sighed and waved a hand through his hair. He looked tired and worried.

‘Okay, so you all heard what that fucking dickhead said. Well, Laurel and I came to the conclusion that we should explain it to some extent to erase any misunderstandings. So, what this guy had said about Lexa’s… late girlfriend is partly right.’ At that he looked over at Laurel who gave him a nod to signal him to speak further. They both had a sorrowful expression, they must have known Lexa’s girlfriend before she died.

David cleared his throat again before explaining further, ‘Costia, had died a bit more than nine months ago.’ If we all noticed that he said ‘’died’’, instead of ‘’killed herself’’, nobody mentioned anything. He looked over at Laurel again, only this time for her to continue.

‘It is known at school that she... that she isn't here anymore, but we still ask you not to mention anything. It took Lexa a very long time to even be able to come to terms with it and to be reminded of her wouldn’t help her at all.’

Nobody said anything for a long moment, unsure what to say. 

It was Raven who eventually broke the silence, ‘of course we wouldn’t say anything. You don’t have to tell us, we might not know how Lexa must feel, but none of us are assholes or sadistic.’ At that David and Laurel both nodded, relieve obvious in their expression.

‘Well, I’ll better go now. See you guys on Monday and Lincoln, thanks for the party', David said, while gathering his stuff. Laurel followed suit, waving in good bye and walked out of the backdoor with David.

At first nobody said anything, still trying to process the information. After all, it was quite a hard and dark topic they had just dropped on us.

‘Clarke, do you want to stay over or would you rather go home?’ Lincoln asked after a while.

I slowly shook my head, ‘thank you but I think I should head home.’

Lincoln nodded curtly, and asked, ‘do you need a ride?’ I shot him a grateful look, thanking him. It wasn’t a long walk but after all that had happened tonight, I would rather not walk alone in the dark.

After I had said good bye to Octavia who would stay here, I followed Raven and Lincoln outside to his car. Lincoln was going to take Raven home as well, she would also rather be alone she admitted.

It barely took five minutes and Lincoln was already turning in the street I lived in.

'It’s that house there, next to the huge mansion with the gates’, I pointed out. Lincoln nodded, but he couldn’t keep the surprised expression of his face. It was Raven though who asked, half shocked and half surprised, ‘whoa, wait. You live next to Lexa?’

I turned to her, a frown on my face. ‘Lexa lives here?’ I asked dumbfounded.

Raven just nodded and explained, ‘her father’s kind of rich. I think he received this huge heritage of his own parents and made some investments that must have turned out well.’

Lincoln parked his car in our driveway, waiting for me to get out. While I wished my friends a good night, my thoughts ran a thousand miles per hour. Why hadn’t I ever noticed that Lexa lived here? She certainly was well known at school.

I walked over to the main door only to find out that it was locked.

I started looking in my bag for the spare house key my father had given to each family member, when a car passed on the street and waited in front of the gate of the huge mansion. I held my breath in anticipation of what I would hear. This was actually the first time I saw or well, heard anything of the owner. If I didn’t know that there actually was an owner, I would have thought the house was empty.

When the gate opened silently, I heard the car driving over the gravel of the forecourt. Next was two car doors being shut closed. I didn’t think much of it and turned back to searching for the key, only to be scared shitless when the front door was slammed shut and the sound of glass shattering reverberated over here. It was soon followed by loud shouting.

‘What the fuck?’ I muttered to myself. I jogged over to the mansion, hiding myself in the darkness. I couldn’t see much as the lights weren’t being turned on but I could hear more shouting and then something that sounded akin to beating.

‘Holy shit.’ I didn’t know what I should do, should I call the police or… shit. I felt helpless, and I hated this feeling.

I waited for a few more seconds, the shouting had stopped but then there was a loud smash. The gruesome sound of someone being kicked could be heard now and I shut my eyes.

After a few minutes, the sound finally stopped. I waited a bit longer to hear if something would follow again but apparently the beating was done.

The next few minutes were quiet, so I decided after a moment that I would head back home. There wasn’t anything I could do and just standing there didn't help anyone.

With the light of my phone, I searched for the house key and found it after a few seconds. I unlocked the door with slightly shaking fingers and headed upstairs, trying to be as quite as possible.

I cringed when I forgot about that one wooden panel on the stairs and the stair made a loud sound. But no door was being ripped open so I assumed that I was safe. I rushed towards my bedroom once I was upstairs and leaned myself against my door, sighing in relieve.

I tried not to think about what I had heard and seen today but the images seemed to have burned themselves in my memory. Instead of overthinking everything, I dumped all my stuff on the floor and stripped out of my clothing. 

Before I went to the bathroom, I checked if the hallway was clear. I’d rather not be caught at this time in the morning and especially not when I’m trying to make my way to the bathroom naked.

Once I was in the shower, hot water running down my body, I was finally able to let loose. I stretched my tense shoulders and leaned my forehead on the cold shower wall. I stayed like that for a moment, content with the warm water running down my back.

But the content feeling quickly passed as my mind immediately went back to things I would rather not think about. I thought of the party but most of all about Lexa. I hadn't even known that she was my fricking neighbour and yet I had the feeling that I knew something far too personal and I wasn’t speaking of the thing with Costia.

I had heard that Lexa lived alone with her father, Titus. And I was by no means stupid. I made the connection of the beating I had heard only minutes ago and the knowledge that it was only Lexa and her father at home. I swallowed down the sick feeling, I really wished that my theory wasn’t true.

But nothing else seemed to fit. The person who had been shouting had a deep voice, which meant that he very likely was a male. And since Lexa was the only other resident in that house… that meant that the person who was being used as a punching bag could only be her.

I felt tears burning in my eyes. The beating reminded me of something that had happened in my past, something that nobody but my family knew. I let myself cry for a few minutes until I felt better and turned the water off.

It was cold when I stepped out of the shower, so I quickly dried myself off and brushed my teeth. After checking the hallway again, I sneaked back in my bedroom and pulled my most comfortable pyjamas on.  
It was only when I was laying in my bed, that I noticed the text Raven sent me a few minutes ago.

\- Raven, 02:34 am  
How r you after evth?

\- Clarke, 02:45 am  
According 2 the circumstances. How bout you?

I didn't mention what I had heared not long ago. I didn't know Lexa at all, but if I would be in her place, I wouldn't wish for other people finding out, so instead I kept my mouth shut.

\- Raven, 02:45 am  
Idk to be honest. It’s still weird to think about it, ya know?

\- Clarke, 02:46 am  
Yeah, guess so. Well goodn8 anyway.

\- Raven, 02:48 am  
Good night.

After that I turned my phone off and laid on my side, looking out of the window. I could see the moon, shining brightly at me. Soon the exhaustion became more and more apparent and I fell in a restless sleep.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t feel great. It was just turning eight o’clock, meaning I barely had five hours sleep. I thought for a moment why I woke up this goddamn early, until the urge to go the toilet made me move out of my warm bed.

I trudged over to the bathroom, used the toilet and brushed my teeth. I was still tired but I didn’t want to give my parents, especially my mom, another reason to question me. 

I was barely in the kitchen when my mother already started interrogating me.

‘What time did you get back from your friend’s house Clarke?’ my mother asked. Okay, so maybe she didn’t quite know that it was a party but what she doesn’t know won’t kill her, right?

I glanced at my mom over my coffee cup. ‘Around two o’clock’, I answered curtly.

‘Why so late?’ my mom asked, and I just rolled my eyes.

‘Jeez mom, I’ve barely been awake for five minutes and you’re already interrogating me.’

It was that exact moment that my dad appeared from the stairs. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around my mother’s waist. ‘Should I ask?’

I shot him a curt, ‘no’, and drained the last of my coffee before fleeing back to the safety of my own bedroom. I heared my mom call after me but i just ignored her and ran up the stairs. 

I just arrived upstairs when I saw Aden trying to reach to string for the pull ladder that led up to the attic. He jumped up and managed to grab it, successfully bringing down the stairs to climb up to. He climbed up the ladder and once he was upstairs, grinned down at me.

‘You coming up?’ he asked. This was the first time since our weird conversation in my car that he didn’t avoid me and actually initiated something. I nodded and followed him up the ladder.

When I was up there, I gasped because the whole room was already set up.

Aden smirked at me and explained, ‘me and dad sorted it out yesterday while you were gone. It’s nice isn’t it?’ He asked, his question sounding a bit nervous.

I nodded in approval because really, it was. They chose a nice, dark blue carpet out of wool. On the far side of the room, right next to the window, was a comfortable looking pull out couch with some blankets draped over it. In front of the couch was a rather big flat screen TV and I didn’t even want to imagine how the fuck they got everything up here. Next to the TV was a stand full of the games and movies we had taken with from the old home.

It looked cosy, I had to admit.

‘There’s something else,’ Aden suddenly said and went to shut the blinds on both windows. He found his way to the light switch and turned it on.

Instead of the light bulbs on the ceiling being turned on, blue fairy lights embedded the whole room with a faint blue.

‘Wow’, I breathed out in awe. ‘This is… just wow, I can’t even describe how nice it turned out.’

Aden beamed at me, obviously relieved that I liked it.

‘You know,’ Aden tentatively started staying, ‘after what had happened back at our old home, we wanted to do something nice for you.'

I tensed at the mention of that. Ever since what had happened, I tried to forget about it. I managed most times, but not always.

I felt Aden’s hand softly grip mine, fully pulling my attention towards him.

‘It’s not your fault, just remember that', he whispered.

Tears were already gathering in my eyes. Aden knew me well enough, so instead of trying to say anything more, he pulled me in a tight hug.

That soft gesture finally tipped me over the edge and I fully started crying in his shoulder. Aden was nearly as tall as I was now and would soon overtake me regarding height.

While I cried, Aden just held me tightly.

‘Clarke, I know that you have blamed yourself for it ever since, but it’s not your fault. Just believe that, okay?’

His voice was soothing and I nodded my head. We stayed in this position a bit longer until I finally pulled away, looking down in shame.

‘Clarke’, Aden gently called out. I looked in his soft, grey eyes waiting for him to continue.

‘You can always talk to me, okay?’

I smiled and wiped the tears away. ‘Yes, I know. Thank you. But the same is for you, if something ever bothers you, just come to me. Okay?’ I retorted, while looking at Aden with a serious expession.

Aden looked reluctant at first, but after a few seconds he gave in and nodded. Without saying anything else, he climbed down the ladder and left me alone, probably sensing that I needed some time for myself.

I looked around the room again, smiling slightly that I had such a great family. No matter what, they would always support me and for that I was very grateful.


	7. ‘Jesus fuck’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone
> 
> I'm sorry for updating so late, work kept me from writing on my story. But I've finally finished this chapter. To make up to you, this one is quite long :)
> 
> Also a small information, I've done some editing on chapter two. I've added some background information regarding Clarke's secret. If you don't want to read the whole thing again, it's at the graveyard part.
> 
> Without further ado, here is chapter 7 :D

I woke up early on Saturday morning because I was in pain. I chastised myself for forgetting to take some pain killers before going to bed.

My head was throbbing and my palms hurt. To make everything worse, I woke up with a ‘’morning woods’’ as Costia used to fondly call it.

Costia, David and Laurel were the only people I had freely told about being intersex. I had known them all since kindergarten and we had been best friends ever since. So it was only logic that I had trusted them enough to tell them that I wasn’t accounted as ‘’normal’’ in social standards regarding my anatomy.

I could still think of the day I had told them of me being gay and a few years later of being intersex. Both of those conversations were absolutely nerve wracking. 

 

When I came out as gay, I was only 13 years old and it was an accident really:

We were outside riding on our bikes and Laurel told me to drive straight because I nearly bumped in to her. I retorted with, ‘I kind of can’t drive straight, because I’m not.’

It took all four of us a few seconds to realize what I had just said, but when we did we all stopped on our bikes.

I felt really self-conscious in that moment but then Costia hugged me tightly, David and Laurel following suit. We had a private ‘’coming-out party’’ that evening and everything was great.

But telling the three of them that I was intersex, was another extremely mortifying story;

I was 15 years old and we were having our weekly movie evening.

As we seemingly never could agree on a movie, we took turns with choosing. It was David’s turn tonight and he chose black swan, something neither any of us other three were surprised with as he had been raving about it ever since he watched it for the first time.

During the movie we teased each other, I and Costia ganged up and told David that he sometimes acted even gayer than Thomas. He retorted with a smirk, ‘oh the games on’, and to Laurel’s dismay, pressed the fast forward button until he found the scene he was looking for.

Both Costia and I were confused of what he meant until, wow, well shit. This was the first time I agreed with Laurel, that I in fact was such a ‘’useless lesbian’’.

The drug scene came up and soon after, the infamous sex scene was displayed on the huge flat screen. I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat, aware of David’s grin in my direction, Laurel’s hard attempt of not laughing and Costia’s warm hand on my leg that was too close to my centre.

Shit, don’t think of that, think of something really off-putting, maths for example. Old guys, teachers in general…

All of my progress of not getting a frigging boner next to my friends and even worse, my crush, was cut short by the loud moan that filled the room.

I clenched my hands and laid them in my lap, hoping to hide my boner since my friends weren’t aware that I even had a dick.

I felt my heartbeat increase and I felt breathless. All of my blood seemed to go in the extra, in the moment absolutely unwanted appendage.

I pulled my legs up to my chest. This way my boner wasn’t visible, although the movement caused my dick to lay in a very uncomfortable way.

David chuckled and I just glared at him. At least Laurel had the audacity to have a bit pity on me. Costia was visibly not faring much better, also slightly squirming in her seat. But she at least didn’t have to hide her arousal.  


Fuck, not a good idea to direct my thoughts to that topic.

After a few minutes, this torturous scene finally ended. I knew that I was still in trouble though, because my boner seemed to have no urge to go back.

It even started to throb painfully and it took all my willpower to not just run to the bathroom and finish myself off.

‘So Lexa and Costia’, David started deviously, ‘did you like the scene?’ I shot another death glare at David and added a ‘fuck you’, for good measure. He laughed and held his hands up in surrender.

‘Hey, be lucky that neither of you have a dick like most guys do. Usually when a woman is aroused you can’t see it.’

My gaze instinctively went over to Costia, our eyes meeting for a second, before we both looked away with a deep blush.

My throat felt dry and I didn’t know what to say. Fortunately Costia spoke up, ‘how do you know about women when they are aroused? It’s not like you are interested in the female biology but much rather in the male.’ She added a wink at the end of her sentence. 

David laughed and said, ‘it can be a curse and fortune to have such a… visible answer, if you’re ready or not.’

‘OMG, gross David’, said Laurel and threw him a pillow in his face.

He laughed even harder and asked with an innocent voice, ‘what? I think when someone gets a boner it’s a compliment.’

I felt more and more uncomfortable, my ‘’small’’ problem hadn’t vanished yet and here I was sitting next to my crush while my two best friends were talking about the perks and disadvantages of having a dick.

‘What do you think, Lex?’ asked Laurel, breaking me free from my panicking, internal conversation.

‘Huh, what?’ I asked, not having heard the last part of the discussion.

‘Would you rather have a dick and your arousal being presented like on a silver plater, because you can’t really hide a boner?' She shot a pointed look in David's direction, 'or, stay like this and not show everyone when something turns you on.’

I looked at all three of my friends with comically wide eyes. ‘I-I can’t really answer that question, as I do not know how it feels to… have the other’s reproductive organs.’

A few seconds passed until David spoke up, 'okay, well if you’re soft it feels, I dunno-’, David started to say but I cut him short, ‘yeah, I know what that feels like.’

David, Laurel and Costia all looked at me confused and before any of them could ask another question, I rushed out, ‘I’m intersex’.

The moment I had said it, I felt such a great relieve go through my body.

‘So you mean that you have um… male sex organs?’ Costia tentatively asked after a few seconds with a soft voice.

I nodded, suddenly feeling really nervous. But that nervousness vanished completely as Costia wrapped me in a tight hug.

I felt tears stinging at the back of my eyes and instead of trying to hold them back, I let them fall. Laurel and David both smiled at me and said reassurances that they didn’t mind at all, that they still thought of me the same.  


After a few more minutes, it became apparent that Costia and I wouldn’t let go of each other for a while, so David and Laurel both got up and gave us some space. They promised that they would text in the next morning and then left my bedroom, leaving me and Costia alone.

It was only now that I realised that it was a while ago that Costia and I had hung out alone. The thought made me nervous but also calmed me at the same time.

It took me a few more minutes to calm down enough and soon slowly leaned back from the embrace and smiled shyly at Costia.

Now that I wasn’t distracted anymore, my still very prominent problem drew my attention back. I looked down at my lap, the motion causing Costia to do the same and I blushed a deep shade of red. I probably had more resemblance to a tomato in that moment.

‘I should…’ I gestured vaguely to the bathroom door, absolutely mortified and not daring too look at Costia.

She cleared her throat and chuckled lightly, easing the tense atmosphere a bit.

I shot her a grateful smile at how understanding she was and jumped up to go the bathroom and get rid of ‘’my problem’’.

I took care to keep my front from Costia’s sight; it was already weird enough that my crush knew about my boner. But her actually seeing it would be much worse.

When I was inside of the bathroom, I locked the door and let out a shaky laugh. ‘I’ve finally told them’, I thought to myself.

I eagerly made my way over to the toilet and pulled my pants down. The cool air hit my hot centre and I had to bite back a moan.

With a firm grip on my length, I started moving up and down. Slow at first but quickly increasing in speed at my desperation for release.

The whole time I rubbed myself, I thought of Costia. I knew it was wrong, because she had been one of my best friends since kindergarten. But I just couldn’t help the feeling I got in my stomach when she was around me. When she lightly grazed her finger over my arm or when we hugged and sometimes even cuddled.

I was hopelessly in love with her. But I didn’t want to do anything that would ruin our friendship, so I just acted on a friendly base. Only, it killed me. I missed her every second she wasn’t around me, she was the last thought on my mind before I went to bed and when I woke up again. I knew that it sounded like a total cliché, but it was true.

I felt my orgasm building up, my hand moving more frantically up and down. It didn’t take long that I finally found my release, biting in my hand to keep myself from moaning out loud.

I emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, teeth brushed and my problem ‘’down there’’ solved. I felt myself blushing at the knowing look Costia gave me, but she shot me a small smile to let me know that it was okay.

She got up from the sofa and wrapped me up in a firm hug. ‘I am so proud of you that you told us. And just so you know, I am absolutely okay with it. I just want you to be happy, okay?’

I tightened my grip on her at the soft and comforting words she whispered in my ears. I didn’t say anything as I didn’t trust my voice to not break, so instead I just nodded.

Costia and I stayed in that position for a few more minutes, out bodies flush together because of the tight embrace. Neither of us stepped away and I was happy that my boner problem didn’t appear at this moment.

I started to get tired after a while, so I slowly stepped back from the embrace and shot Costia a small, grateful smile. She smiled back at me and said that she would brush her teeth. When she passed me on her way to my bathroom, she hesitated for a moment and gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek.

My back was still turned to her so I let a grin spread over my face and moved to my comfortable bed. I jumped on and moved until I was lying in a comfortable position.

When Costia emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, she turned to her bag and pulled her pyjamas out. I quickly looked away. It wasn’t that we hadn’t seen each other in underwear, but I didn’t know how she would feel after everything that had happened today.

I was looking up at the ceiling the whole time while she got changed. I felt the mattress dip and then Costia came in sight, shyly crawling over to me.

‘Is it alright if I…?’ Costia trailed off but I knew what she meant and lifted the blanket up and scooted over a bit that she had space. She snuggled herself under the blanket and moved closer to me until her head was on my chest.  


‘Is this alright?’ she asked in the quiet night.

I swallowed hard, trying to get my breathing under control. I was more than aware that my heart was beating like crazy and Costia must have noticed as well. Though she didn’t say anything about it and I was grateful for that.  


‘Yeah’, I whispered, noticing that I still hadn’t answered her previous question.

Her left hand slowly moved to my stomach, absentmindedly playing with the hem of my tank top. Costia’s fingers were barely grazing my skin, but everywhere she touched me, my skin felt like it was on fire. She started tracing the outlines of my lightly visible abs and I didn’t know what I should do.

I really wanted to kiss Costia, but I had no idea how she would react to kissing her best friend. She had told me a while ago that she was pansexual, meaning she had interest in not only women and men, but also wouldn’t be opposed to have a relationship with someone non-binary or transgender. I had let myself hope for a few seconds until I was painfully reminded of us being best ‘’friends’’.

Costia must have noticed how tense I had seemed to get and stopped her hand but still kept it on my stomach. With her other arm, she pushed herself up in a sitting position and asked in a concerned voice, ‘Lexa, what’s up?’ I was just about to say ‘’nothing’’, when she beat me to it and said, ‘and don’t say ‘’nothing’’, because I know that wouldn’t be true.’ Damn, she knows me too well.

I huffed and sat up as well, leaning my face in my hands. ‘Okay, well since this seems to be a day full of admitting stuff, I’ve got to tell you something.’ I swallowed hard, here goes nothing.

I looked in her warm brown eyes and whispered, ‘I-I like you’, hoping that Costia would understand. Though she obviously didn’t, because she just looked at me as if I had just said that the earth was round. I sighed deeply; this would be more difficult than I thought.

‘I like you as more than just friends.’ I whispered after a moment, gathering all my courage. ‘I don’t know when it started but for a while now, I’ve had feelings for you. And I just… thought you should know. You haven’t got to say anything and I would understand if you don’t want to see me anym-‘, my rambling was cut short when Costia pulled me in a strong embrace. She seemed to do that a lot today.

She didn’t let go for a few seconds and I was content like this, breathing in her sweet smell and just being with her.

‘I like you too.’ She suddenly whispered. She pulled back a bit and searched my eyes before adding, ‘as more than just friends.’ My eyes widened and this tingling sensation in my stomach appeared again. Everything felt like a dream and yet it felt so real.

I was proven that this was certainly not a dream, when I felt Costia’s warm breath on my lips, her face only inches away from mine. The only thing left to do was close the gap so that’s what I did. I pushed forward a bit, finally closing the last distance between our lips.

Time stopped once I felt Costia’s soft lips on mine. My heart was beating like crazy and I felt dizzy in a good way. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and I felt like I was flying.

It was a few seconds later, that we pulled away. When Costia’s and my gaze met, we looked at each other for a few seconds until we both started laughing at the awkwardness. I felt my heart grow lighter at the smile that soon tugged at Costia’s lips.

‘So, that just happened’, I stated dumbly. Costia just chuckled and pushed me back down on the mattress, while leaning over me.

‘I assume from your reaction, that you wouldn’t mind doing it again?’ Costia asked in a boost of courage. 

Instead of verbally agreeing, I grinned and gently pulled her down by her neck to capture her lips for the second but not last kiss that night.

 

I smiled sleepily at the memories of that night, noting that the distraction had in fact helped with my ‘’morning woods’’. I stayed in bed for a few minutes longer until the urge to go to the toilet outweighed my urge to stay in bed. 

With a lot of groaning, I rolled out of bed and strolled to my bathroom. I stripped out of my clothing, emptied my blather and went to have a shower. The warm water soothed my still sore body, the water drops gently rolling over my skin and dropping on the shower floor.

I kept the shower short and soon stepped out of the warm stream of water. With a clean towel, I dried myself and also put a new bandage around my hands. They already looked a bit better than they had yesterday.

The moment I stepped out of my bathroom without my clothes, there was a loud knock on my door. ‘Wait, I’ve got to get dressed first.’ I called out, while throwing pair of shorts and a loose T-shirt on, as fast as I could with my still sore wounds.

I rushed to the door and opened it. The sight I was greeted with made me cringe, even though I knew that his presence would be looming over me. Titus didn’t say anything for a long time, all he did was stand there and study my face. I was starting to get nervous from the silence but then he finally said in a menacing and deep voice, ‘If you say anything…’

I swallowed hard but didn’t shy away from his glare. ‘I won’t.’ I replied with a steady voice. Instead of saying anything else, Titus turned away again, effectively putting much distance between us with his long strides.

It wasn’t much later when I heard the main door being shut closed and I was alone. It was only now that I noticed how hungry I actually was, so I headed downstairs. As usual, the fridge was full of food, our servant having taken care of it. I grabbed some different fruit and tried to cut them in even pieces, though the bandages on both of my hands made it a bit of a challenge.

Approximately 20 minutes later, I finally managed to prepare my breakfast. With my bowl, I took a seat on one of the kitchen counter chairs and slowly ate the fruitsalad. I was absentmindedly scrolling through my phone when I got a message.

 

\- David, 10:12 am  
I’m sorry for what had happened at the party. Movie evening 2nite?

I stared at David’s text for a few minutes, contemplating on whether I should accept his peace offering or not. But one look at my hands decided it for me.

\- Lex, 10:15 am  
Sry, but not tonight.

\- David, 10:15 am  
Np. But if you want to talk, I’m here. K?

\- Lex, 10:16 am  
OK, thx.

I was happy that David didn’t force me to talk, as one of my best friends, he knew that I would talk when I was ready. In the meantime, all he could do was leave me alone.

Before heading back upstairs, I got up and put the empty dishes in the dishwasher. Once in my bedroom, I got changed in a pair of sweatpants, a sports bra and a long sports shirt. I considered putting a pair of gloves on to hide the bandages on my hands but decided against it and just took the bandage off instead.

With my earphones plugged in, I made my way downstairs, trying to ignore the pain in my legs and ribs when I walked down the stairs. ‘This will be fun’, I thought to myself.

Once outside, I locked the door and walked over to the gate. I entered the password for the gate and closed it again when I was standing on the pavement. The air was cool and fresh and I took a deep breath, revelling in the feeling of my lungs getting filled with the clean air.

Without further ado, I started to run with a slow pace, having to get used to the dull pain in my legs. Instead of stopping, I just bit through the pain and ran towards the lake I had just visited yesterday before my father had forced me home.

With every step I took and every breath that slowly dragged through my lungs, I felt that my thoughts started to dissipate in the back of my head and the pain was fading away. I picked up speed, the outlines of the lake already becoming visible.

Instead of running directly towards the lake, I turned to run towards the far side. Usually there wouldn’t be any people there, especially at this time of the year. It didn’t take me long, and soon I came to a halt, trying to catch my breath.

The sun was glistening in the cold water, the reflection making the water look like millions of crystals. There was a bench right next to the lake, so I took a seat and enjoyed the view and the warm sunrays. I took my earphones out and stored them in my pockets, preferring to enjoy the quite than the blearing music sounding over my earphones.

With my gaze skimming the lake on this sunny September morning, I felt my guard dropping. There was no need to keep it up, there weren’t any people I had to show a certain side of myself. Or so I thought. It was barely five minutes after I had sat down here, that I heard footsteps on gravel steadily approaching me.

I shot up from where I was sitting and it only took me a few seconds to realize that I was in deep shit. I was being advanced by four guys, two on my right and two from my left. One of them, Dax, was the guy I had punched yesterday evening.

I unconsciously got in to fighting stance, my body tense with anticipation and my knuckles white from how hard I was clenching them shut. My injured palms were burning but it helped me to stay focused on the moment and to not let the memories of yesterday overwhelm me.

‘All alone without your bodyguards?’ Dax shouted when he was in earshot. I cocked an eyebrow and retorted with an even voice, ‘as far as I can remember, you were the one who would have needed one.’

I received the wished effect as Dax got angry and more importantly, let his emotions make him unfocused. ‘And anyway, four against one? That’s a bit unfair, isn’t it?’

Dax just grinned with a sadistic glint in his eyes, while he slowly approached me. ‘Rules aren’t really my style.’ I clenched my jaw at how close he was standing to me but I was more than aware that you should never take the first punch in a fight, so instead I retorted with, ‘obviously’.

I was expecting for him to do something, but instead he slowly backed off and started, ‘anyway, I’m not really here for socializing as you know.’

‘Oh really, I thought otherwise. My bad.’ I tried to react unperturbed by his statement, not showing my growing nerves.

‘Okay, done with small talk. You know why I’m here, and that is for what you did to me yesterday.’ With a hand he waved at his nose, which was red and swollen.

I smirked for show and added with an innocent voice, ‘nice mark on your ugly face, who gave it to you?’

He scowled and with a predictable step towards me and a sloppy punch, he tried to get a hit. I easily sidestepped him and dodged the punch. With my dominant hand, I landed a hit to his stomach which made him crouch.

His three friends reacted to his failed attempt and closed in on me. I managed to dodge the first punch of one of the guys and kick the other one between the legs which made even me cringe. But the movement left my side vulnerable to the third guy. A firm hit to my kidney stopped me for a few seconds, long enough to receive a punch in my face, followed by two punches in my abdomen. I curled inwards, coughing while I tried to get enough air in my lungs.

This position made it easy for a swift kick at the back of my legs to force me down on my knees. Dax, who had now also come over, pushed me from behind and I fell on the floor, landing painfully on my already hurt hands.

The sharp pain in my hands was soon covered up by the agonizing pain of several feet kicking at me from all sides. It reminded me of yesterday evening, only this time it wasn’t only one, but four people hurting me. 

I tried to protect my head with my hands, only that let my middle open to a new attack. One of those four sadistic assholes used the opening and with a sickening sound, hit me hard in the ribcage.

‘Jesus fuck’, I groaned out loud, tears gathering in my eyes from the pain.

The guy who had just hit me in my ribs was just about to kick again, but I was saved from further attacks, when a loud voice boomed over to us, with a finality stopping my four attackers. ‘Hey!’

I faintly heard a ‘shit, run’, before those four cowards ran away. I barely was aware of the fast approaching footsteps behind me, too distracted by the pain in my ribs.

I was curled up in myself, clutching my stomach and coughing up blood. The moment I felt a soft hand on my shoulder, I flinched away. I immediately regretted it because the movement caused another wave of pain to shoot through my body and I groaned loudly.

I heard a few people talking but I couldn’t see how many there were.

A few more seconds passed until I could make out two people who appeared in my vision, a woman and a man. But behind me I heard another voice, so there were at least three people surrounding me.

The woman who was still standing in front of me, kneeled down and asked with a soft voice, ‘what is your name?’ instead of answering, I just stared at her, my instinct of not trusting anyone immediately kicking in. 

The woman sighed and said, her voice sounding far away, ‘I’m Abby Griffin, we just moved here. And I’m also a doctor; I can help you if you let me.’

Abby Griffin, I knew who she was. Even in my less than ideal state, I could pinpoint that she was my neighbour, even though I hadn’t ever physically spoken to her, or any of the Griffin family.

‘Lexa’, I managed to croak out. I could faintly see an encouraging smile adorning Mrs. Griffin’s lips.

‘Okay, Lexa. Now I want to help you, but I can’t do that here. Can we take you inside?’

I didn’t have the strength to argue with her, so I just nodded my head and saw how the tall man, who must be Mrs. Griffin’s husband, stepped beside me, ready to carry me back. It was only now that I saw who the third voice belonged to, it was their son, Aden. He went to the same school as I did so I had occasionally seen him.

I heard Aden say something about ‘called Clarke’ and ‘picking up’. I didn’t have time to process what that meant though, because suddenly I felt two strong arms underneath of me and I groaned in pain when he touched my ribs.  
‘Sorry’, the man said while he tried to lift me as gentle as possible.

The walk back passed in a blur, my whole body was screaming in pain. The cuts on my palms had ripped open from the fall and the blood was now steadily seeping in the material of my long armed T-shirt.

It wasn’t long after the griffin family had found me in this precarious state that we were already arriving back at the edge of the lake on the town side. I heard a car door slam shut and someone quickly approaching us.

I couldn’t see who it was but when she spoke, I immediately recognized her sultry voice. Clarke Griffin, the painfully attractive daughter of my new neighbours.

The next few minutes passed in a confusing blur, I felt how I was gently put in the back of the car (while trying to keep myself from groaning in pain) and was driven to a house. The Griffin’s house, it later turned out. When Mr. Griffin tried to hoist me out, I mumbled that I would manage, only then nearly falling on my face at the dizziness that suddenly appeared.

Mr. Griffin fortunately caught me before I hit the floor and helped me inside. Aden and Clarke were both instructed to go to their rooms but Clarke argued that she knew me from school so she was allowed to stay. Aden though seemed more than eager to leave, the sight of blood making him pale a bit.

Once inside, I was led to a couch on which Mrs. Griffin had already thrown a blanket. I couldn’t blame her, my T-shirt was full of blood and she’d probably rather not have blood stains on her furniture and then have to explain to future guests where the stains exactly came from.

I was helped to lie down on the comfortable couch by Mr. Griffin. He then also left the room to ‘not be in the way, as he was no help anyway’, and Mrs. Griffin went to get her medic kit. Now it was only me and Clarke in the room. 

I sensed Clarke’s unease; she was walking around nervously, occasionally stopping before returning to walking around again. I could practically see the gears turning in her head. She finally came closer and kneeled down next to me. It seemed as if she was just about to say or ask something but then her mother came in with the medic kit and she stopped herself.

Mrs. Griffin now also kneeled down beside me, while Clarke moved away a bit.

First she disinfected her hands with the disinfectant she had in the medic kit. She checked my head and asked me a few questions to exclude a concussion. After she was sure enough that my head was okay, she asked me to show my palms that were still obviously bleeding quite hard.

I held them out to her. First she cleaned the blood away and then with a burning liquid swilled the dirt out. I clenched my jaw the whole time, trying to not show any emotions on my face.

When the wounds on both of my hands were cleaned out, she started wrapping them one by one with a clean bandage. She was just finished with the first hand when she suddenly asked, ‘I assume that you won’t tell me where you got these cut wounds from, will you? And don’t try to convince me that the wounds are from the stones, there obviously cut wounds.’

I couldn’t keep the surprise from my face at how much she could read out of, how a wound looked like. The look on her face made it clear that she was still waiting for a response, so I just answered vaguely, ‘a glass broke and I cut myself on it’.

It was clear that Mrs. Griffin didn’t believe me, but she didn’t push further and started wrapping my second hand instead.

When she was done, she asked me to take my T-shirt off so that she could check my ribs. I hesitated for a moment but there was no point in arguing. I knew that she would find a way to convince me with a long and dramatic doctor speech. So to prevent my ears from having to go through that, I took a deep breath and nodded.

Mrs. Griffin then asked, ‘do you need help?’ and after a moment of hesitation, I said, ‘yes please, if you don’t mind.’

She pulled my long sleeved sport shirt over my head, while I leaned up a bit to help her. I felt very vulnerable once the shirt was gone, but that vulnerability soon turned to shame when Mrs. Griffin (and Clarke) saw how my front looked like. To be honest it really didn’t look good, I was covered in deep blue bruises.

Mrs. Griffin sighed again and nodded her head in okay. ‘Clarke, can you pass me the ice pack, please?’ She quickly passed her the light blue bag full of ice, all the while avoiding my eyes and my bare stomach. I couldn’t figure out why she wouldn’t look at me but was soon distracted by the cold bag being placed on my aching ribs.

I hissed at the sensation of it, my stomach and ribs always been quite sensitive to cold temperatures. Mrs. Griffin seemed unperturbed by my reaction and just let the icepack there. In the meantime she checked my vital signs and nodded in satisfaction. 

She turned to my ribs again and took the ice pack away. With very light touches, she pressed on the painful areas. It was a few minutes later, that Mrs. Griffin was done with pocking me.

‘The ribs don’t seem to be broken. But I still advise you to rest for a few weeks or at least until the bruising is gone.’

After that, I was finally released. Mrs. Griffin gathered her medical kit and just when she backed away, I called out for her. ‘Mrs. Griffin.’ I cleared my throat when she looked at me expectantly and said in a slightly quieter voice, ‘thank you… for your help.’

She just smiled at me and said, ‘no problem. And it’s Abby as I am quite sure that we have long passed the formal stage.’ I nodded my head and even gave her a small smile.

Abby then left the room and I was alone with Clarke again. The silence was a bit awkward and it was even worse because I was still sitting here shirtless.

I was just about to put my bloody sports-shirt on, when Clarke surprisingly stopped me from doing so. ‘Wait, you should maybe change your shirt. That one’s full of blood.’

She must have surprised herself if the slight blush on her face was any indication, but she continued nevertheless. ‘You can have one of mine, if you don’t mind.

I looked at her, noticing how she seemed slightly uncomfortable under my intense gaze. ‘Thank you.’

She visibly sighed in relieve and was just about to rush off to her bedroom when she turned again. ‘Do you want to come upstairs?’ I raised an eyebrow and she rapidly explained, ‘that you haven’t got to sit here without a shirt on.’

I chuckled and gradually got up from the couch. With my bloody shirt in my hand, I followed Clarke up the stairs towards her room. I felt better now, the dizziness having passed and the ice pack having helped with the pain in my ribs.

Once we were upstairs, Clarke led me through the hallway towards the room at the end. She hesitated to open the door but finally did and led me in. There were a few things I noticed in that moment; first was Clarke, she was looking at me nervously, studying my reaction.

The second thing was that the room was filled with drawings and pictures of all kind, but especially portraits. I saw a few photos of her family and some other people who must be her friends from her old home.

The third thing I noticed, was that Clarke wasn’t exactly the ‘’tidy’’ type. And that thought alone made me smile.

‘What?’ Clarke asked warily. I smiled at her and shook my head. ‘How can you even find anything in this mess?’

‘Hey, this isn’t a mess, these are organized piles of things I will need in future', Clarke retorted with mock indignation.

‘Also known as; I was too lazy to clean my room and just made piles to be able to walk through', I retorted, chuckling how Clarke dramatically clutched her chest.

We smiled at each other for a moment until Clarke’s gaze went astray and we were both reminded of why we came up here in first place. She coughed awkwardly and said, ‘right, a clean shirt’, and turned to her wardrobe.

I grinned when I was sure she wasn’t looking, thoroughly enjoying her flustered expression. I turned to look at the drawings she hung on the wall. They really were amazing, every single of them.

I turned around, just about to comment her drawings, when I got hit in the face by something soft. I realized it was a loose, black V-neck shirt and shot Clarke a grateful smile after pulling it over my head. It was a bit too big but the soft material felt comfortable and it smelled of something sweet and light that reminded me of summer, Clarke’s scent probably.

‘Thanks. By the way, your drawings are amazing.’ Clarke grinned at me and then added with a smirk, ‘well, I’m good with my hands.’

I looked at her in astonishment, not able to stop from snorting at her remark. ‘May I assume that this is because you have much ah, how shall I put it… training?’ I asked, fully aware of what I was insinuating.

At that, Clarke’s eyes widened comically wide and a deep blush covered her cheeks. ‘How are your ribs?’ she asked, obviously trying to change the subject.

I relented at her attempt and curtly answered, ‘hurt.’ Clarke nodded and tentatively asked, ‘do you need a painkiller or something?’

I shook my head, not wanting to use their hospitality even more than I already did. ‘Thank you, but I’m alright.’ 

Clarke looked at me for a moment to see if I was telling her the truth or not, but relented after a few seconds.

‘You know, it’s kind of weird’, Clarke started saying. Before I could ask what she meant with that, she elaborated, ‘this is the first time we are talking and I’ve been your neighbour for a week. And we are only talking because my parents found you…’ Clarke hesitated for a moment, before deciding on, ‘in that situation.’

I hummed in thought, because really, it was true. I wasn’t, and never have been, an outgoing person regarding social situations. I disliked big, social gatherings and preferred to stay away from people if possible. 

Clarke’s awkward throat clearing got my attention back and I expectantly looked at her. She had the same hesitant expression she had, when she wanted to ask me something, just before Abby walked back in to the room to tend to my wounds.

‘Just ask the question’, better get over it, I thought. She smiled nervously and asked, ‘how do you know that I wanted to ask you something?’ I raised a solitary eyebrow, a movement I seemed to do quite often in Clarke’s presence.

‘You have this distinctive look and before you say something’, I held up a finger to stop her from interrupting me, ‘I am good at reading people. Talking and social gatherings are most certainly not my strong suit, but I’m good at noticing the details.’

‘Okay’. She nodded in thought and then added hesitantly, ‘yes, um my question.’ She was absentmindedly playing with a ring on her left hand.

‘Would you like to hang out a bit?’ I could sense that it wasn’t the question she initially wanted to ask but didn’t say anything. Though, I was still surprised to hear Clarke ask me if we wanted to hang out.

She seemed to see the surprise on my face and started to explain, ‘I know it it’s a bit weird, because we have only met like an hour ago but you know it would be-‘, I cut her rambling off, chuckling at how flustered she looked, ‘Clarke!’

‘Yes?’ She asked, a deep blush covering her cheeks. I smiled a bit and answered, ‘I would like to hang out with you.’

‘Oh, really? Yeah, that- that’s great. So, um, do you have any preferences on how to spend your Saturday?’

I smirked at her but was cut short before I was able to say something, ‘okay, no. Forget that I asked.’

I chuckled. Something about Clarke just seemed to make me… happier and feel at ease. She managed to lure me back out, to socialize and actually laugh. She was one of the very few people who made me feel something, who made me remember that life wasn’t only about surviving, that it was worth so much more.

‘How about we watch a film or so?’ I offered with a soft smile adorning my lips. Clarke nodded and smiled back, her eyes shining the most beautiful blue I had ever seen.


	8. 'Lexa Woods'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys
> 
> First of all, I'm sorry for the long wait. School and work kept me busy, but I'm off on holiday for a week now so I will have time to write further on this story.
> 
> Secondly; a friend of mine, who also read this story so far, mentioned that we haven't seen much interaction between Clarke and her friend group and family. I can assure you, that will be following in the next few chapters, also the chapters will (hopefully and very likely) be longer and go more in to depths  
> Like what is the reason Clarke's family moved ;) or what's up with Aden... So yeah, that is all to follow soon.
> 
> I will probably be able to post the next chapter tomorrow, but for now I hope you enjoy this one :D

‘Hi Aden, what’s up?’ I asked while I enjoyed the morning sun that streamed through my bedroom window. It was a typical autumn morning; cold and sunny.

‘Clarke, we need you to pick us up from the lake. Like right now.’ Aden was speaking frantically, I was barely able to understand him.

‘Aden, slow down. Now tell me what exactly happened’, I said while I rushed around in my bedroom to get dressed, already imagining the worst.

‘We were walking around this lake, you know the one we saw last week and then we saw these four guys beating up this girl from school. But they ran away when they saw us and now we really need you to help us bring her back to our place that mom can help her because she doesn’t look very good.’

‘Shit’, I slipped my sweatshirt on and ran downstairs.

In this small town, we didn’t have a hospital or any medical facilities really. As far as I had heard, my mom and another resident whose name I didn’t know, were the only ones with some medical knowledge. Or at least capable to do more than change a bandage and the other basic first aid stuff.

‘Aden, what’s the girls name anyway?’ I asked, while I was hastily putting my shoes on.

I heard some muffled sounds in the background and then Aden responded, ‘Lexa Woods’.

I felt how my throat tightened and some flash backs of the party came flooding back.

‘Okay, I’ll be there in a minute’, I said and shut my phone off. I grabbed my keys and rushed outside, practically jumping in my car.

During the whole drive, a memory of my past flooded my mind, I felt sick to my stomach. It had happened only a few months ago and was actually the reason why my family moved here. Nobody, but my parents and Aden knew the exact events of that cold, rainy night. Not even my best friend, Wells, was aware of what exactly happened.

My negative course of thoughts was disrupted when I arrived at the lake, my parents and Aden already in view walking towards me.

I jumped out of my car and rushed towards them to get a closer look of Lexa. I had never spoken a word to her, even though she was my neighbour, we had attended the same party just yesterday and even had a few classes together. Our paths just had never crossed yet and when we actually were in the same room, neither of us took the first step to start a conversation.

‘Clarke, open the door please’, said my father a bit breathless. I opened the backdoor for him and he gently sat Lexa in the back of the car. Her face scrunched up in pain but she didn’t say anything.

The way home seemed to go on forever and I cringed at every turn, when I heard the barely concealed moans of pain from Lexa.

Minutes later, I was finally parking in the drive way and turned the car off. My father had already rushed outside to help Lexa, but she waved him off only to nearly fall flat on her face when she stepped out of the car. My father caught her mid fall and helped her to walk inside.

At least she was able to stand up, but the amount of blood was still concerning. When we arrived inside, my mom grabbed the first blanket she found and spread it over the couch. My dad then led Lexa towards the couch and helped her lay down. My mom asked me and Aden to go upstairs but I argued that I wanted to stay, since Lexa was my neighbour and went to the same school as I did.

Apparently Aden didn’t mind to be sent away though and took the chance to flee upstairs. He had a problem of seeing blood since the one time I had cut myself a few years back. There had been a lot of blood and he took care of me in that moment because our parents weren’t around. I still had a scar along my ribs, the only evidence of the accident.

I was brought back to the moment when I heard my mom saying that she would get her medic kit and be right back. She turned around and ran upstairs to the bathroom my parents shared.

It was now that I realized that Lexa and I were alone in the same room for the first time. I walked around, not knowing what I should do.

It was awkward for both of us. We both knew that I had heard what that guy had said yesterday at the party. The thing about Lexa’s deceased girlfriend. Apparently it was something that the whole school knew, that her girlfriend had… taken a different path. But it was still something you wouldn’t want someone to find out, especially not the ‘’new girl’’ who had only moved here a week ago.

I glanced over at Lexa and took all of my courage to walk closer to her. I slowly kneeled down next to her and was just about to ask something when my mom walked back in with the medic kit.

I moved over that my mom had space to tend to Lexa’s wounds. She disinfected her hands as she always did and checked Lexa’s head. Next, when she was sure that Lexa didn’t have a concussion, she cleaned the blood away of Lexa’s palms and swilled the dirt out.

My mom was just done with wrapping Lexa’s first hand when she asked, ‘I assume that you won’t tell me where you got these cut wounds from, will you? And don’t try to convince me that the wounds are from the stones, they’re obviously cut wounds.’

Even though Lexa was able to keep a straight face the whole time my mom had cleaned her wounds, she wasn’t able to keep the surprise of her face now. She obviously didn’t expect this question and after a moment of hesitation, she quietly said, ‘a glass broke and I cut myself on it.’

It was more than obvious that it wasn’t the truth, or at least not the whole truth but my mom relented and started wrapping Lexa’s second hand.

When my mom was done with wrapping Lexa’s second hand, she asked Lexa to take her shirt off that she could check her ribs. Lexa hesitated for a moment but finally relented and nodded her head.

My mom asked Lexa if she needed help. It was obvious that she was considering saying no but she thought better of it and answered, ‘yes please, if you don’t mind.’

My mom helped her to pull the long sleeved sport shirt over her head. Once it was gone, I was barely able to hold back a sound of shock when I saw Lexa’s front. She was covered in painful looking, deep blue bruises. But what really caught my interest, was the simple and yet amazing tattoo on her right arm. I intently traced the outlines of it with my eyes, wondering what meaning the tattoo could possibly have.

My focus was pulled away though when my mom asked me to hand her the ice pack. I looked away and passed her the light blue bag with ice.

The deep blue bruises couldn’t have been from today, it usually takes much longer for them to turn that colour. So that meant that what I had heard yesterday, really was because Lexa had been beaten up by someone.

The rest of the examination, I looked at anything but Lexa. I just couldn’t because every time I looked at a bruise or the empty look in her eyes, it reminded me of the things I had heard yesterday evening. The painful events she must have gone through in her past; her girlfriend’s death, the beating up from yesterday evening and then today again from different people. I was wondering how much a person could take until life beats you and you succumb to it and just… give up.

It didn’t take my mom long to finish checking Lexa’s ribs and soon she was released. She gathered the things of her medic kit and was just about to leave when Lexa called out for her. ‘Mrs. Griffin.’ She cleared her throat when my mom looked at her and said in a slightly quieter voice, ‘thank you… for your help.’

My mom smiled and said, ‘no problem. And it’s Abby as I am quite sure that we have long passed the formal stage.’ After that she finally turned around and walked upstairs.

Lexa and I sat there in the awkward silence, both unsure how to react or what to say. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw how Lexa reached to put her shirt back on, but before I could think better of it, I stopped her. ‘Wait, you should maybe change your shirt. That one’s full of blood.’

I felt a blush creep on my face but before I chickened out, I added, ‘you can have on of mine, if you don’t mind.’

Lexa regarded me for a long moment, I squirmed slightly under her intense gaze but didn’t look away. Finally she said, ‘thank you’, and I felt relieve curse through my body.

I was just about to rush upstairs to my bedroom to get her a fresh shirt when I thought better of it and turned around to Lexa again. ‘Do you want to come upstairs?’

She raised a solitary eyebrow and I rushed to explain that she wouldn’t come to any other conclusions, ‘that you haven’t got to sit here without a shirt on.’

She actually chuckled at that and I felt how the forced conversation lightened. She slowly got up from the couch and followed me upstairs towards my room. Lexa looked better now; she wasn’t as pale anymore and didn’t have loads of blood dripping down her front.

Actually she didn’t have anything but a sports bra on the top part of her body. Shit, bad Clarke. She is your neighbour and you recently found out that her girlfriend died, don’t think of her like that and especially don’t look at those abs… oh god. No, keep your thoughts PG-13 and just concentrate on going straight (pun fully intended).

When we arrived upstairs, I led Lexa along the hallway towards the room at the end. I hesitated to open the door, mentally chastising myself for not cleaning up my room. When I opened the door, I sighed in relieve to find that I hadn’t left any dirty underwear on the floor. God, how embarrassing would that have been.

I looked at Lexa to see her expression. Her gaze was following the drawings and photos on my walls, my desk and bed, everything really. A barely there smile was adorning her face and I found it the cutest thing on earth.

‘What?’ I asked warily, unable to figure out what she was thinking. She looked at me and this time she actually smiled. ‘How can you even find anything in this mess?’

‘Hey, this isn’t a mess, these are organized piles of things I will need in future.’ I retorted with mock indignation.

‘Also known as; I was too lazy to clean my room and just made piles to be able to walk through.’ she retorted and chuckled when I dramatically clutched my chest with a hand.

It was the first time I heard her laugh and I made it my goal to make her do that sound again. I wouldn’t mind her doing different sounds either… god damn it Clarke, keep it in your pants.

Our eyes met and we smiled each other. But soon though, my gaze went astray and we were both reminded why we came up here in first place. I cleared my throat and awkwardly said, ‘right, a clean shirt’, and turned to my wardrobe.

I grabbed the first shirt I found that was the closest to Lexa’s size and turned around. She had her back to me and was looking at the drawings on my wall. Now was actually the first time I noticed the intricate tattoo along her spine. It looked beautiful and I had a sudden urge to glide my fingers over it and capture every detail in a drawing.

I let myself unabashedly stare at her tattoo, and the muscular and lean back. I noticed some faint scars on her back, making me wonder where they had come from.

Lexa was now turning to me, so to not get caught by staring at her, I threw the clean, black V-neck shirt in her face. She took it and shot me a grateful smile and (unfortunately) immediately pulled the clean shirt over her head.

‘Thanks’, she said and added, ‘By the way, your drawings are amazing.’ This time, I couldn’t keep the grin from my face and with a boost of courage said, ‘well I’m good with my hands.’

Lexa snorted at that and asked in a suggestive tone, ‘May I assume that this is because you have much ah, how shall I put it… training?’

My eyes widened and I felt a deep blush creep up my neck and cheeks. ‘How are your ribs?’ I then asked, trying to change the subject.

Lexa fortunately didn’t push further and curtly said, ‘hurt.’ I nodded and tentatively asked, ‘do you need a painkiller or something?’

Lexa just shook her head, ‘thank you, but I’m alright.’ 

I wasn’t sure if she was being honest that she really didn’t need one or if she just didn’t want to accept my offer, but after a few seconds I relented.

A sudden thought crossed my mind and I started saying, ‘you know, it’s kind of weird. This is the first time we are talking and I’ve been your neighbour for a week. And we are only talking because my parents found you…’ I hesitated for a moment, before deciding on, ‘in that situation.’

Lexa hummed in thought but didn’t say anything else. After a few seconds when she still hadn’t said anything more, I awkwardly cleared my throat to get her attention back. Another thought crossed my mind, it was the same one I was about to ask before my mom came back with the medic kit.

‘Just ask the question’, Lexa said, sensing my hesitation. I smiled nervously and asked, ‘how do you know that I wanted to ask you something?’

She raised a solitary eyebrow and said, ‘you have this distinctive look and before you say something’, she held up a finger to stop me from interrupting her, ‘I am good at reading people. Talking and social gatherings are most certainly not my strong suit, but I’m good at noticing the details.’

‘Okay’. I nodded in thought and then added hesitantly, ‘yes, um my question.’

I was absentmindedly playing with a finger on my left hand. I had gotten it from my dad on my sixteenth birthday. He told me that you should always really think if you want to know the truth. That it is sometimes better to stay in the dark, than to ask for the truth you cannot handle.

It was now that I really thought about it, so instead of asking the question I had previously wanted to do, I asked, ‘Would you like to hang out a bit?’

I saw the surprise on Lexa’s face and rushed to explain, ‘I know it it’s a bit weird, because we have only met like an hour ago but you know it would be-‘, she cut my rambling off, chuckling at how flustered I looked, ‘Clarke!’

‘Yes?’ I asked, a deep blush covering my cheeks. She smiled that rare but beautiful smile and answered, ‘I would like to hang out with you.’

‘Oh, really? Yeah, that- that’s great. So, um, do you have any preferences on how to spend your Saturday?’ I asked, cringing after a few seconds when I noticed what I was suggesting by that question.

Lexa smirked at me but before she was able to say something, I stopped her ‘okay, no. Forget that I asked.’

She chuckled and I felt how it made my stomach flip (in a positive way). ‘How about we watch a film or so?’ She offered with a soft smile adorning her lips. I nodded and smiled at her. She was a mystery to me and I was more than looking forward to put the puzzle pieces together.


	9. ‘no, I don't really... like sausages'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening
> 
> Like I promised yesterday, here is the next chapter. It isn't as long as i want the future chapters to be, this one's only there as a ''preparation'' for the following chapters.
> 
> Anyway, as usual, i hope you like it and enjoy ;)

‘How about we watch a film or so?’ I offered with a soft smile adorning my lips. Clarke nodded and smiled at me.  


I gazed in those deep blue orbs, not capable to look away. ‘She’s beautiful’, I admitted to myself. And for just a moment, I let myself forget all the shit that was happening around me. I pushed away the thought of my father, the painful memory of Costia, the uncertainty of the future. For a moment, I just let myself be.  


I was shocked out of my intense stare when there was a light knock on the door. Both, Clarke and I, turned around just in time to see Mr. Griffin poking his head inside.  


‘Oh, hi Lexa. You look better. How do you feel?’ He asked, surprise laced in his voice that I was in his daughters bedroom.  


‘Hello, Mr. Griffin. I do feel better, thank you. And also thank you for helping me, you didn’t have to do that.’  


Mr. Griffin smiled at me kindly and shook his head. ‘It’s no problem Lexa, of course I would help. And its Jake, we’re neighbours after all.’  


I nodded and thanked him again. I was starting to feel relaxed but that feeling of security was destroyed when Jake asked me, ‘Lexa, while you’re already here, Abby and I would like to talk to you about what happened with those guys. We wanted to wait a bit before we jumped you with it, but the earlier we sort this out and get the names, the better.’  


I clenched my jaw and looked down. I was about to say that it didn’t matter when, to my surprise, Clarke spoke up and said, ‘dad, can we maybe just watch a movie first or something? I don’t think that Lexa wants to be reminded of it again because I know that I wouldn’t want to be.’  


Clarke stopped herself at that and I got an odd feeling as if she hadn’t wanted to say the last part. I looked up to see the worried expression Jake had taken on and the pained look in Clarke’s eyes. The moment didn’t last long, but I was still sure of what I had just seen.  


‘Okay’, was all that Jake said. He sent another worried glance in Clarke’s direction and then finally left, gently shutting the door behind him.  


Clarke was standing still, her hands clenched in fists and her gaze intently focused on the floor.  


‘Clarke?’ I asked in a soft voice, not wanting to scare the girl standing in front of me. My voice seemed to bring her back to the present and she looked back up at me.  


She cleared her throat and awkwardly said, ‘sorry, ah, let’s go see a movie.’ She rushed out of her bedroom, but not quick enough that I couldn’t see the haunted look in her eyes. ‘What the fuck just happened?’ I asked to myself and followed Clarke.  


___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  


I was sitting on a comfortable couch in the attic. When Clarke had fled out of her room, she walked a few meters along the hallway and then grabbed a string which was attached to the pull down stairs.  


The room she led me to, looked very homey. A soft carpet was rolled out on the floor, a couch full of pillows and fluffy blankets and they even had a television up here. Though I was wondering how the fuck they had gotten everything up the ladders.  


‘So what movie do you want to watch?’ Clarke asked from where she was standing next to a shelf full of DVDs.  


‘I don’t know’, I said while I got up and stepped closer to Clarke to see the selection.  


Clarke rummaged through the movies on the shelf, totally missing out on the horror movies.  


‘Oh, I know one’, Clarke soon said with a lot of enthusiasm. She turned around and triumphantly held up the DVD case. I eyed it for a second until I realised what film she was showing. ‘Black swan’, I read out loud.  


Clarke was looking at me expectantly and to not disappoint her I nodded my head in okay. She regarded me for another moment and then turned around with a happy smile. I was already dreading the next two hours. It wasn’t that I disliked black swan, in fact I enjoyed watching it… alone, in my bedroom where nobody could disrupt me.  


Clarke put the disk in the DVD player and sat down next to me, leaving a bit space between us.  


While we were watching the movie, I occasionally made some funny comments on the outfits or the characters and received small smiles of Clarke or shy laughter. The sound made my heartbeat speed up, and a small smile formed on my own lips.  


That is until that damn sex scene came up. Like the first time I had watched this movie with my friends, I was wearing sweatpants but I knew from experience that even these wouldn't hide everything. So I was pleading that my friend down south wouldn’t make an appearance, because Clarke would definitely see it, if I had an erection.  


I actually managed to get through the whole sex scene and the rest of the movie without getting hard. I mentally patted myself on the back, pleased that I didn’t embarrass myself.  


When the credits rolled down the screen, Clarke got up and stretched. And I totally didn’t stare at her ass or the silky skin that was visible when her t-shirt rid up. She walked towards the DVD player and took the disk out, to put it back in the case.  


She turned back to me and clapped her hands together. ‘Any suggestions what to do next?’ she asked.  


I thought for a moment, a thought occurring to me. ‘Since we don’t really know anything of each other, how about truth or dare without the dare? I’ve got an app on my phone and we could use the truths from there.’  


Clarke thought about it for a moment and then nodded. She opened the blinds to let some light in and sat cross legged on the couch, facing me.  


I mimicked her position and turned to her, while searching for the app on my phone.  


‘Any rules?’ I asked before we started.  


‘How about, no passing the question unless it’s a too personal one or something you really don’t want to share and we’ve both got to answer the question?’ I nodded my head in okay and put the phone on the floor that Clarke could see the questions.  


‘Who’s your favourite singer?’ it read. ‘I don’t really have one; I like some singers but couldn’t decide on only one person.’ ‘Yeah’, I agreed and tapped the screen for the next question.  


‘What is your favourite subject?’ ‘sports, I blurted out. Clarke looked at me in mock shock and asked in an over exaggerated tone, ‘how?’ I smiled and answered, ‘in my free time I do mixed martial arts and free running.’  


Clarke looked at me in astonishment and then asked without thinking, ‘can you show me?’ A deep blush soon spread over her cheeks and chest. To keep her from further embarrassment, I said ‘sure’ and went to the next question.  


‘Could you survive a week without junk food?’ ‘God, no’, Clarke groaned. I genuinely laughed and asked, ‘seriously?’  


Clarke laughed as well and told me, ‘yeah, I’m kind of a food enthusiast.’  


‘And you?’ Clarke asked. I smiled and nodded my head, ‘easy, I usually make my own food from scratch anyway.’  


‘Ah, you’re a health junky?’ I chuckled and admitted, ‘yeah, exactly. But no, I am most definitely not a vegan, nor a vegetarian.’  


‘Clarke grinned at me and asked with a wink at the end, ‘so you would eat a sausage?’ The underlining in her question was obvious and we both knew that she wasn’t talking about sausages that were meant for human consumption.  


I smirked and answered, ‘no, I don’t really… like sausages.’ Clarke burst out laughing and I laughed with her. It took me a few minutes to calm down enough and to ask, ‘how about you?’  


At my question, Clarke went silent and the grin on her face faltered. She suddenly looked nervous.  


After a long moment, Clarke hesitantly asked, ‘if I tell you this, do you promise to keep it for yourself?’  


‘Of course’, I answered immediately.  


She cleared her throat and said while she was looking at her lap, ‘I think I’m bi. But I don’t really want to tell anyone yet because I don’t know how they would react towards it.’  


I smiled at Clarke and gently put two fingers under her chin that she would look at me. ‘Thank you for telling me. I know how hard it is to trust someone else with something like that.’  


Clarke smiled back at me, ‘I thought because you are… because you aren’t straight either, that you wouldn’t have a negative opinion about it.’  


I chuckled, ‘yes, I’m gay. But the people at our school are quite open to it. Well, not everyone obviously but I rarely hear any negative comments anymore.’  


Relieve was evident in her face when she smiled back at me. Instead of returning to our truth game, we started talking about stuff. About school, friends and after some hesitation on Clarke’s side, she asked me about coming out.  


At some point we ended up talking about Clarke’s family. She was telling me how her mom had told her and Aden, her smaller brother, during dinner that she would be working at the school we all attended. She had an interview for the position as the school psychologist and they offered her the position. 

I laughed when Clarke explained how mysterious her mother had been about the job she was being interviewed at and that she kept it such a secret. I laughed even harder when Clarke bemoaned her fate and said that she now even had to behave at school when her mom was sneaking around there. 

When we both finally calmed down from laughing, I took the opportunity and began with, ‘can I ask you something?’ She nodded her head in okay. 

‘Why did you move here?’ Clarke’s reaction was almost immediate. She subconsciously backed away, crossed her arms and looked anywhere but my eyes. 

‘I’m sorry, forget that I asked’, I rushed to say, mentally kicking myself for asking that question in the first place.  


Clarke looked at me again and sighed after a long pause. ‘No, it’s alright.’ She swallowed and took a deep breath, ‘um, to be honest, the reason why we moved here is because… something happened back there and I- I couldn’t stay there any longer.’  


Tears were gathering in her eyes and she hastily wiped them away. I clenched my jaw, feeling anger building up inside of me. Who would do something to her that she had to move away because of it? I couldn’t understand how some people were capable of doing such things, bullying or harassing someone to the point that they break down.  


‘I’m sorry to hear. If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. And if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s also okay. Just know that I’m here for you.’ I wanted to let Clarke know that I wouldn’t push her to tell me but that she still could if she wanted to.  


I knew from own experience that it didn’t help at all when people tell you that, ‘everything will be okay’, or ‘it will get better’. Some experiences leave back scars that won’t ever heal, that you will have your whole life as a reminder of what had happened.  


More tears escaped her eyes and soon she wasn’t able to wipe them all away.  


I didn’t know what to do, Clarke was crying in front of me and I was just sitting there. Knowing nothing better to do, I gently laid my hand on her leg and budged closer to her. She looked up at me and the sight nearly broke my heart.  


Her face was red from crying and her lips were slightly trembling. I moved my hand from her leg and held both arms open in offer. It barely took a second and Clarke already lunged forward and pulled me in a tight embrace. She burrowed her head in the crook of neck and cried in my shoulder.  


Our position was a bit weird and uncomfortable. While still pulling Clarke tight to my chest, I slowly backed to the end of the couch and laid down.  


I moaned in pain when Clarke’s body weight was on top of my ribs. I felt her tense and then try moving away from me but I stopped her and kept my arms around her. ‘No, stay, it’s alright.’ She carefully leaned back down, this time careful to not put too much weight on my still painful ribs.  


We stayed in that position for a while and soon Clarke’s sobs were starting to lessen and I felt the even breaths on my neck. She was asleep.  


I sighed and stayed like that, Clarke’s warm body on top of me. My eyes felt heavy and soon I wasn’t able to keep them open anymore.  


It was a few hours later when I woke up due to a sore neck. Clarke was still asleep on top of me, she had even shifted her position at some point; her head was now resting on my chest.  


I looked at the watch I had on my left wrist, seeing that it was nearly five o’clock. I sighed and rubbed my face with my left hand, because my right hand was currently… shit, underneath Clarke’s t-shirt. As slow as possible, I withdrew my hand. Fortunately Clarke didn’t wake up.  


For a few more minutes, I just stayed in that position. I knew that this wasn’t exactly a position friends lay in (could me and Clarke even already be called ‘’friends"?) but I didn’t have the heart to wake her up while she looked so peaceful.  


Time passed by and it was nearing half past five when I had to go the toilet, rather desperately. It also wasn’t helping that Clarke was pressing against my bladder. I clenched my jaw and slowly breathed through my nose. I only had one option really and that was to wake Clarke up.  


I gently shook her and with some more force after she still hadn’t woken up but wow, she really was a deep sleeper. She moved in her sleep and her leg rubbed up against my front. Okay, I really had to get away now. I already felt my dick twitching in excitement.  


‘Clarke’, I said next to her ear. She slowly woke up and looked around with the cutest, confused expression.  


When she noticed the position we were in, she jumped up, a deep blush already forming on her cheeks. ‘Sorry’, she mumbled.  


‘No, it’s alright. I just have to go the bathroom, that’s all.’ I replied, already wishing that I hadn’t woken her.  


‘Oh, sure. Sorry. The bathroom’s at the left door next to my room.’  


‘Thanks’, I said and rushed down the ladders and to the bathroom. I breathed out in relieve when I was in safely behind the locked door.  


I went to the toilet and emptied my bladder, barely able to hold back the moan of relieve. When I was done, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands.  


For a moment, I considered to do some handwork (no pun intended) to prevent myself for embarrassing future situations but decided against it. Masturbating in the bathroom at home while you had guests around was already quite weird. But to do it while you were at someone else’s house was morally questionable.  


I checked myself in the mirror before I headed back upstairs to Clarke. She was sitting on the couch, her eyes glued to her phone.  


When she heard me, she set her phone down and shot me a shy smile.  


‘I’m sorry for… you know, using you as a cry pillow and everything.’ I chuckled and sat down next to her.  


‘It’s alright. Everyone needs to have a mental break once in a while. And I didn’t mind, by the way.’  


We smiled at each other for a moment, but soon the smile on Clarke’s face turned to a nervous lip biting, which I totally didn’t find really sexy. ‘My mom just texted me, she told me to ask you if you would like to eat dinner with us?’  


I was about to say no and come up with some kind of excuse as to why I couldn’t attend but Clarke beat me to it. ‘And I would like it, if you stayed over for dinner.’  


I laughed in frustration but gave in at the hopeful look in Clarke’s face. ‘Okay, but I’ll have to ask my father first.’ Clarke shot me a wide smile and nodded.  


I took my phone out and texted my father, asking if I would be allowed to stay for dinner. A part of me was hoping that he would say no that I had an excuse to flee. But then I glanced at Clarke, the hopeful look in her face, the way her eyes were shining and the slight upward curve to her lips. It made my walls crumble and a small part in me genuinely wished that he would say yes.


	10. everyone's got a chapter they don't talk about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone
> 
> First of all, I am so sorry for this long wait. A small accident occured at work and other stuff happened. But anyway, I was finally able to finish this chapter and I've already started on the next one, so the wait will most definitely be shorter. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy :)
> 
>  
> 
> Triggerwarning; anxiety attack and mentioned attempt of rape.

The weekend was over much too fast and soon I was woken up by my annoying alarm. I rolled over in bed and just stayed there for a moment, content in the warmth.

Saturday evening had been… interesting, too say the least. Lexa’s father had agreed of Lexa staying over for dinner and the shy smile that adorned her lips, was burned in my memory. During dinner, my parents had asked her a few questions about school and what not.

My parents had even managed to get Lexa to open up and say the names of the guys that had attacked her. My mom, as the school psychologist, said that she would go the principal, Markus Cane. It was only then that I remembered where I had already heard of him. Markus was my mom’s friend who had suggested this house.

Considering the whole evening, it went well. It was quite awkward when Lexa left and we both stood at the door, unsure what was appropriate after everything. I decided to just go for it and gave Lexa a curt hug. She stiffened at first but then relaxed in the embrace and wrapped her arms around me.

When we let go, she told me that she would see me on Monday at school and then walked over to her own house. If I gave her a bit too enthusiastic nod, she didn’t say anything about it.

After my eventful Saturday, I spent a big part of my Sunday studying and doing homework. At some point, I went outside to sit in the garden. It was still cold, even with the sun out, but I put my comfiest and baggiest sweatshirt on and was content enough to sit out there like that.

Today was Monday though and I had to get up soon, if I didn’t want to be late.

I rolled out of my bed, groaning in the process, because I really didn’t want to go. I locked myself in the bathroom, glad that Aden had a tendency to wake and get up earlier than me.

I went through my morning ritual; toilet, brush teeth, quick shower, a bit make up and then get dressed. My morning routine took me 15 minutes max.

When I was dressed, I grabbed my bag and went downstairs to get some breakfast. Well, my breakfast usually consisted of a coffee with an unhealthy amount of caffeine and sugar. But how else should I stay awake?

My parents were already gone when I arrived downstairs. My dad had mentioned yesterday, that he wanted to start earlier so that he could spend the evening with his family. And my mom said that she left early to prepare some things. It was her first day at work after all.

Aden was sitting on one of the bar stools, eating some cereal. ‘Morning’, I greeted him and he sent me an overenthusiastic grin.

I poured myself some coffee in a thermos flask and took a swig. Ah, nothing better than scalding hot coffee in the morning.

‘I’m leaving in five, if you want to come with me.’ To my surprise Aden shook his head, ‘I’ve finally got my bike back from repair, so I’ll ride there.’

‘Okay’, I said and put my thermos flask in my bag.

‘I’ll see you at school then’, I called over my shoulder and left. I would be early but I was hoping that I would maybe meet Lexa at school.

Of course my wish wasn’t granted and I arrived to a rather empty parking lot.

Huffing out a breath, I walked towards the school building. I checked my phone and answered some messages I had received from both Raven and Octavia. Both of them had insisted that we exchanged numbers, though probably only that they could annoy me.

I was so far away with my thoughts, that when I turned a corner, I didn’t see the other person approaching me.

‘Shit, I’m sorry’, I rushed out. I was barely able to catch my phone from flying on the hard floor.

I looked up when I heard someone chuckling at my clumsiness. It was Lexa’s friend from the party, whose name I had unfortunately forgot.

‘No, it’s my fault sorry. You’re Clarke right?’

‘Yes, and- I’m sorry, what’s your name again?’ 

He grinned at me and held his hand out, ‘David and it’s nice to officially meet you Clarke.’ I shot him a smile in return, ‘likewise.’

David’s laid back expression suddenly changed to a concerned frown, ‘have you heard anything of Lexa after the party? I’ve tried to text her all weekend but she didn’t respond and yeah, I’m kind of worried after what had happened at the party.’

I considered how to explain to him why Lexa was occupied over the weekend but was saved from doing so, when the subject of our conversation appeared.

She looked better than she had on Saturday, the deep rings under her eyes were nearly completely gone and she was standing straight as usual, or well as straight as she could get.

When Lexa noticed me and David, she approached us with a barely there smile, it was a start though.

‘Clarke, David’, she said with that somehow soft and yet commanding voice.

‘Hey Lex. Busy weekend?’ David asked, the concern barely concealed.

Lexa hesitated for a moment and then decided on a vague answer, ‘I had some things to do.’ David raised an eyebrow but didn’t say further more.

‘Okay, well I have to go. I’ve got a test in calculus today and probably should study some more.’ Just when David was about to turn away, he looked at me again and with a smirk added, ‘and Clarke, please tell your… cute little brother that I hope to see him again after practice.’

I was left standing there, mouth agape because wow, what the fuck? It was only now that it came back to my mind that David was the guy who had been talking to Aden by my car. How could have I forgotten about that?

‘Clarke?’ Lexa asked, successfully getting my attention back. She was looking at me amused, my reaction obviously funny for her.

‘How old is David again?’ I asked. Aden was 14, and was going to turn 15 in two weeks.

‘He turned 17 last month’, Lexa responded.

I nodded my head in thought. A two year age gap was still quite much at this age I thought but if they liked each other… if Aden even liked guys? Maybe that was what he didn’t want me to know… Interesting.

I made a mental note to ask Aden. No actually not, he would tell me when he was ready and if I just asked him, ‘hey Aden, is there a chance you’re gay?’ he would definitely feel cornered. So, waiting it is.

Lexa was looking at me intently. It was now that another thought occurred to me, ‘hey, how old are you? I’ve never asked you that.’

Lexa chuckled and started walking in the direction of her next class. I walked besides her, both our classes were in the same direction anyway.

‘I turned 16 this year. And you?’

‘Me too’, I answered. Most in my class were 17 and some even 18 years old. But I had skipped a class when I was younger so I was younger than most.

We arrived at my first class of today but because school only began in 10 minutes, Lexa waited at the door with me. Some people passed us and shot some curious glances in our direction but neither Lexa, nor I let us get disturbed by it. It was only when Raven arrived five minutes later that I looked away from Lexa’s gorgeous face and those piercing green eyes.

‘Hey Clarke, Lexa’, Raven said with a slight hesitation. She threw a confused glance in my direction and cleared her throat. ‘Well, I’ll go inside. Bye Lexa.’

Lexa raised an eyebrow at me but didn’t say anything regarding Raven’s weird greeting. Instead we just stood there until the first bell rang to signal that everyone should go to their class.

‘I’ll better go, don’t want to be late. Especially not when I’ve got that fat, bald head.’

I chuckled and asked, ‘Pike?’

Lexa winked in response and slowly backed away. Before she was gone though, I asked the question I had wanted to ask her for quite some time, ‘hey Lexa, would you like to hang out with me tonight? I mean it’s cool if you’ve already got plans or don’t want to, but I figured that I wouldn’t mind and… sorry I’m rambling again.’

I looked down at the floor in a failed attempt to hide the blush that was spreading on my cheeks. I only looked up when I heard Lexa chuckling, an amused expression on her face.

‘I would like to hang out with you, Clarke.’ I smiled at her and ignored the shiver that ran down my spine at the way she said my name.

‘Okay’, I said in a quiet voice. With a last look at Lexa, I backed away and walked in to my first lesson of the day. 

I got my books out of my bag and was barely even finished when Raven grabbed my arm and excitedly whispered, ‘what’s up with you and Lexa?’

‘Nothing’, was my automatic response. I wasn’t sure why, but I suddenly felt protective regarding whatever was going on between Lexa and I.

Raven disbelieving expression practically screamed, ‘’bullshit’’. But before she had the chance to retort with another of her smartass responses, Professor Harmon came in and started the English lesson.

Time passed quickly, I took some notes and occasionally made some sketches. I drew the trees I saw outside, the colours clashing with the grey sky. In the corner of my eye, I could see Raven glancing at me but she didn’t say or ask anything. I kept on drawing and thought of today evening, when I was able to spend time with Lexa again.

My line of thoughts was interrupted by Professor Harmon’s voice when she called my name. ‘Clarke, how about you?’

I looked up, only to be met with all the students face turned towards me, waiting for my response.

I chastised myself for not listening. ‘I’m sorry, what was the question?’

‘The question was; is there something in your past that you regret very much? It can be something you did or said. Or maybe you actually didn’t do or didn’t say and now regret it because you’ve lost your chance to do so’, Professor Harmon repeated herself.

My eyes widened at her question. I felt my heart starting to pound in my chest. I was sure that Raven was able to hear it. My throat felt dry and I suddenly had problems to breathe. An image I had so long tried to keep out of my mind came back in with full force; his body lying lifeless on the floor, his limbs spread in a weird angle and his blood, fast seeping out of the big crack in his skull.

I had to get out of here; I felt an impending panic attack and could barely breathe. I stood up on shaky legs and barely even heard the concerned voice of Raven and Professor Harmon.

With the last of my energy reserve, I ran outside. My head was spinning and everything was blurry. I ran further along the hall and all but burst in the women’s bathroom.

The panic attack hit me full force; my clothes felt like they were constricting me and I couldn’t breathe. I was sweating profusely, my chest hurt and I felt sick to my stomach.

I didn’t even realize when Raven stormed in the bathroom and saw me sitting on the floor, shaking and holding on to my legs for dear life. She crouched down as best as she could with the brace and gently touched my arm.

‘Clarke, you’re alright. Nothing will happen to you. I’m here to help, okay?’ Raven asked with a soft voice.

‘Clarke, now take a deep breath. Look, I’ll do it with you.’ Raven started to take deep, calming breathes. I tried to copy her; breathe in for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds. It started to work after a few minutes and I felt how the panic attack was slowly stopping.

Raven and I sat there for a few more moments, my heavy breathing the only sound in the empty bathroom. I saw Raven shifting and already felt another wave of panic hit me, when I thought that she was leaving me. But instead, she sat next to me and put her warm hand on my back in a comforting gesture.

It was a few minutes later, that I found the courage to whisper, ‘I’m sorry.’ Tears started to gather in my eyes, I wasn’t able to hold them back and soon they streamed down my face.

I felt Raven’s gaze locked on my face, but I didn’t look up. My head was currently resting on my knees and my arms were protectively wrapped around my legs.

‘It’s not your fault, Clarke. And I know, you might not feel that way, but nobody is able to control such things', Raven said with a soft and concerned voice. ‘Should I call someone for you? I heard that your mom works here now, I could call her for you if you want?’

‘No’, I immediately responded. I didn’t want my mom to see me in this state again. After the incident at my old home had happened, it took me a long time to be able to do normal things, such as going out and meeting friends. I didn’t want her to see my breakdown.

‘Lexa. Please get Lexa.’ I didn’t know when said girl started to make me feel so comfortable and secure, but I knew that I couldn’t have anybody of my family around. Not yet, anyway.

‘Okay. Clarke, I haven’t got her number though, can you give me your phone?’

With shaking fingers, I pulled my phone out of my back pocked and unlocked it. I gave it to Raven who took it and immediately sent Lexa a text to come here.

At some point, I felt Raven gently putting her hand on my back again. She said in a quiet voice that Lexa would be here soon.

As Raven had predicted, I soon heard footsteps quickly approaching the bathroom. They stopped right at the door, followed by a light knock. Raven got up and opened the door a bit. Lexa and Raven had a quick conversation and soon Lexa slipped in, while the latter went out to inform the secretary to leave our respective teachers a note that Lexa would take me home.

When the door was finally closed, Lexa tentatively approached me. She knelt down in front of me and after a short hesitation, put her hand on my knee. ‘Clarke, I’m here.’

Those three words from Lexa’s mouth got me to finally lift my head and look in those deep green orbs. More tears started streaming down my face, but instead of hiding myself again, I surged upwards and pulled Lexa in a hard embrace. My body shook with another wave of tears but Lexa only pulled me even closer to her. I was now sobbing in the crook of her neck, wetting her T-shirt.

We sat there for a few minutes when Lexa broke the silence with a soft voice, ‘Clarke, I’m going to take you home. Is that alright?’ I nodded, not capable to give a verbal response.

Lexa slowly pulled away from me and bent down to grab both of our bags. I hadn’t realized that she had retrieved my bag from class.

She put an arm around my still shaking body and gently led me outside. The hallway was fortunately still empty. Class wouldn’t be done for seven more minutes.

When we reached the doorway, Lexa opened it. We were greeted by a dark sky, thunder audible in the background. We quickly made our way to my car, deciding it would be easier to sit in a car than on a motorbike.

I retrieved my car keys when we arrived at the car. Lexa opened the passenger’s seat for me and gently helped me inside. ‘It’s better if I drive, you should rest. I know that a panic attack is very tiring.’ I just nodded and didn’t ask why she knew so much about panic attacks.

Lexa put both of our bags on the bsck seats and sat behind the steering wheel. She turned the key in the ignition and put the reverse gear in. She slowly backed out of the parking space and then headed towards the main road.

Rain drops were starting to clash down on the windshield, nearly drowning the soft music in the background. ‘’Between the bars’’ by Eliot Smith was playing, the song feeling oddly suiting in this moment; it had a certain pained and sad tune to it.

During the drive back, neither Lexa nor I said anything. I leaned my head against the doorframe, exhausted and constantly on the verge of tears. Now that I didn’t have anything to distract me, the memories came flooding back like a tsunami.

I clenched my hands to fists, concentrating on the pain of my nails digging in to my skin. I felt blood trickling down my palms but in this moment I couldn’t care less. The pain helped to direct my thoughts away.

The silence in the car stretched on. It wasn’t an awkward silence, it felt rather uncomfortable. I could tell that Lexa was deep in thoughts herself, probably trying to figure out what exactly had triggered my panic attack.

The silence soon became stifling and the urge to tell someone was overwhelming. I hadn’t spoken to anyone about it, hadn’t told anyone about the nightmares or the panic attacks. And it was tiring and exhausting.

I managed to keep it together until we arrived at home. It was pissing down by now, the rain shutting out the reality with a curtain of water.

‘Clarke,’ Lexa said softly, her eyes filled with worry. ‘Is it alright, if I take you inside?’ I nodded but in reality, I just wanted to say no. No, nothing was alright. I wasn’t alright and I just wanted to get rid of this guilt that always seemed to drown me.

Lexa must have seen the insincerity in my eyes. She waited for a moment but then decided that whatever it was, we should talk about inside.

She opened the car door and ran to my side to get me out of the car, inside the warm house. I took her offered hand and stepped out in to the cold and wet air. Lexa was just about to pull me towards the door, when I kept her back.  
‘Clarke, come on. It’s freezing and raining, we should get inside, otherwise you'll get sick.’

‘No, wait. Please, I’ve just got to tell someone. It’s been killing me ever since it happened and I just can’t do it anymore.’ Tears were streaming down my face but the rain washed them right off.

The water was starting to soak us both but Lexa didn’t pull away. Instead she shut the car door and held both of my hands in hers. ‘Okay. Whatever it is, I am here for you.’

My lips were trembling and I just couldn’t get a sound out of my mouth. Lexa noticed as well and pulled me towards her. She gently put her arms around me in a comforting embrace, ignoring the rain and the cold seeping through our clothes.

I was crying again, this morning leaving me emotionally drained and vulnerable. We stood there for a few minutes longer. When I looked up, Lexa’s lips already had a shade of blue and her cheeks and nose were red from the cold.

I deckded that I would be able to hold on to my secret a few minutes longer and pulled Lexa towards our house and unlocked the door. When we were inside, we pulled our shoes off and Lexa emptied the water outside. So much for waterproof.

‘Clarke, you should put some dry clothes on. Otherwise, you could get hypothermia.’ I nodded my head, knowing that Lexa was right.

Hands still laced together, I pulled Lexa upstairs to my room. When we were upstairs, Lexa went to grab some towels from the bathroom since I was just standing there in the middle of my room, watching the water drops clash on the floor.. 

‘Can I take this off?’ Lexa asked when she came bsck with clean towels. She motioned to my water drenched shirt and I nodded. With cold but gentle fingers, Lexa peeled my shirt off and threw it in my washing basket. She wrapped one of the towels around my shoulders and started drying my arms and stomach off, while avoiding coming too close to my chest.

‘Can I get you some dry clothes?’ She asked when she was done with drying my arms and stomach. I nodded my head again and Lexa rushed over to get some dry clothes from my wardrobe. She grabbed a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. She put them both on the floor and rubbed my hair dry that it wouldn’t wet the dry clothes.

Lexa hesitated for a moment but then awkwardly said, ‘you probably should take your bra off as well otherwise your sweatshirt will get wet.’

I nodded again and went to open my bra. Lexa’s eyes widened when she saw what I was about to do and immediately turned around. With the towel around my shoulders, I finished drying myself off and pulled the clean and warm sweatshirt over my head.

Lexa was still looking away so I tapped her shoulder that she could look again. Her cheeks were rosy but I was sure that this time it wasn’t because of the cold.

A shiver went down my spine when a cold water drop landed on my neck. Lexa grabbed the towel again and wrapped my wet hair in it.

‘You should take your trousers off as well.’ I nodded and tried to open the buttons but my hands felt cold and numb, just like I felt inside.

Lexa noticed my failed attempt and, after making sure that I was alright with it, opened the buttons for me. She pulled the trousers down to my knees and stood up again. She gently pushed me towards my bed and let me sit down.

Lexa crouched down in front of me and pulled my trousers away and also took my socks off. She grabbed the second dry towel and rubbed my legs dry, stopping mid-thigh. She gave me the towel and turned around again that I could dry off the rest.

I stood up and pulled my wet underwear down and quickly dried myself off. In this moment I didn't care that Lexa was in the room, the panick attack apparently also draining away my strength to be embarassed. I pulled my sweatpants without any underwear because I took the wet ones off. 

When I was done, I cleared my throat. Lexa glanced back to check if I really was fully dressed and now turned fully towards me. She stepped closer and I saw the uncomfortable expression on her face. She was still wearing her wet clothes and they must be cold and sticking to her by now.

I walked towards my wardrobe, ignoring the questioning look Lexa gave me and grabbed a dry shirt and another clean pair of sweatpants.

I held them towards Lexa and before she could say no, I said, ‘please just take them. I don’t want you to get sick ether and it must be cold.’

Lexa sighed and took the offered clothing, adding a small ‘’thank you, Clarke’’. She excused herself to the bathroom to get changed, coming out only moments later with her wet clothing folded in her hands.

She put them on the floor next to my door and walked towards me. I looked up in her face, the concern evident in her eyes. Lexa didn’t show emotion how people usually did, by the curve of the lips, a frown of the eyebrows or the clench of a jaw. She showed emotions with her expression full eyes, with the way her eyes light up when she talks about things she likes, the way her eyes dim when someone mentions Costia or her father.

‘Clarke, what’s wrong?’ I clenched my jaw but didn’t answer. I didn’t know where to begin with, how to even tell Lexa what had happened. What if she won’t talk to me anymore after that?

Lexa huffed in frustration and took a deep breath. ‘Clarke, outside you told me that… that you’ve got to tell someone and that it’s been killing you ever since it happened. And to be honest, I’m slightly freaking out at that because I want to help but I really don’t know how if you don’t talk to me.’

I heard the sincerity and frustration in Lexa’s voice. But the frustration wasn’t directed towards me, but much rather towards the feeling of helplessness.

I sighed and rubbed at my face with my hands. The cold was helping me to focus and not let my thoughts get the better of me. I sat down on the edge of my bed and started, ‘you know that I told everyone that the reason we moved away is because my dad got a job offer right?’

Lexa nodded, waiting for me to continue. ‘Well, that’s not really true.’ I took a deep breath and looked up at Lexa who sat down next to me, resting a hand on my knee.

I took a shaky breath and let the memory of that cold night back. ‘Well, in reality, it was because of me.’

 

I met this guy at school. He seemed innocent and nice at first. We became friends, really good friends and spent a lot of time together. After a while he said that he had feelings for me, which I didn’t reciprocate. He didn’t take it well. He got really mad and…’ I took a shaky breath, letting the tears escape.

‘Anyway, we were at his place at the time he admitted his feelings for me. So when I said that I only liked him as a friend and tried to leave, he stopped me. At first he held me at my wrists, saying that he knew that I liked him and that the only reason that I couldn’t act up on it, was because I was dating Finn, my ex.’

I clenched my jaw and prepared myself for what happened after. The ugly part of the night I have been trying to forget ever since it had happened.

‘I told him no and said that he was hurting me. I got away from his grip and ran out of the door. He followed after me, shouting that I was lying and that I would realize my feelings for him.’

My breathing was starting to come out in irregular pants by now. I felt Lexa’s hand giving a comforting squeeze, letting me know that she was there for me.

‘He caught up to me at the stairs and grabbed me from behind.’ My voice was barely louder than a whisper, shaking with anger and regret.

‘He pulled me towards him and… started kissing my neck. I tried to push him off but he wouldn’t let go off me. He started touching me everywhere and taking off my clothes.’ More tears escaped and Lexa laid her arm around me in a comforting manner. I rested my head on her shoulder.

‘When he started to take my trousers off, I noticed the plant pot on this small table next to us. I hit him in his ribs with my elbow but when I reached for the plant pot it fell on the floor and broke. He tried to grab me again but I kicked him in the stomach and took some dirt from the floor.’

I swallowed and clenched my fists. ‘He was raging and forcefully pushed me towards the wall. When I turned around, he was coming towards me so I reacted and threw the dirt in his face. I intended to stop him for a moment that I could run away but…’

My breathing was ragged and my hands were shaking forcefully. ‘The dirt blinded him and he stepped back towards the stair ledge. I was frozen in shock and couldn’t move or say anything. So he stepped over the ledge backwards and fell down.’

I couldn’t say anything anymore after that. The tears streamed down my face like a waterfall and I had a hard time with breathing.

Lexa was still sitting beside me but instead of backing off and saying that she didn’t want to be anywhere near me, she shifted her position and pulled me down on to the bed. She was lying on her back and pulled me towards her, her arms protectively around me.

‘Everyone’s got a chapter they don’t talk about. So do I.’

I nodded once and rested my head on her chest. The rain was pouring down outside, accompanied by thunder and lightning. I felt how my eyes were feeling heavy, probably an after effect of the panic attack. Lexa noticed as well and tried to get up to let me sleep, but I gently pulled her back.

‘No, please don’t go.’ Lexa nodded and then said, ‘okay. But let’s get more comfortable then.’ She crawled backwards and waited for me to follow her. She laid down and held the quilt open for me to join her. I laid my head on her chest again and Lexa pulled the quilts over both of us.

It didn’t take me long after to fall asleep.


	11. ‘never have I ever’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first of all, I have changed this chaper completely from the original one. The reason is that when I thought about my original idea, there were some things that were too... dark and morbied and I didn't want to go there with this story. So, here's my edited chapter, I still have the same ending planned but the way there is a bit dfferent and I hope better than the original one.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this chapter ;)
> 
> ps. the next chapter should be out in the next few days, maybe even tomorrow, if I've got enough time.

I woke up an hour later, due to an overheated body. I felt the sweat pooling down my neck. I tried to get up, but Lexa’s arms were wrapped firmly around me. As carefull as possible, to not wake Lexa up, I wiggled my way out of my bed.

I opened the window to let some cool air inside. Leaning against the window frame, I looked outside, counting the raindrops that were slowly rolling down the glass.

I was still feeling overheated and sweaty, so I grabbed a fresh T-shirt and some underwear and headed towards the bathroom. Inside, I stripped out of my clothing and got in the shower. I turned the water on, holding the water jet away from me until the water didn’t feel like it was straight from the north pole.

The water cooled down my overheated skin and distracted me enough to not think about the person who was currently lying in my bed. Lexa, whom I trusted with a secret I had kept away from everyone except my family. I didn’t know why I trusted her to do so, but something about her made me feel safe. Made me open up and talk about my past.

Lexa intrigued me. She was like a puzzle where the pieces didn’t match. You always think that you’ve got it but then you are proven wrong and the piece doesn’t fit after all. I was usually good at reading people but Lexa… she stayed a mystery to me, a god damn gorgeous mystery. I could tell that there were some things she didn’t tell me. If I was being honest, I didn’t really know anything about her but I was planning on changing that.

I washed my hair and body as fast as I could and then stepped out of the shower. I dried myself off with a clean towel and rubbed my hair dry. I put the clean clothes on and combed through my hair, wincing when I hit some knots.

A few minutes later, I was dressed and my hair tied up in a damp bun. I went to my bedroom, trying to be as quite as possible. When I was standing at my bed, I looked down at Lexa’s sleeping form. She looked peaceful, the lines on her face having vanished completely. She looked younger now, like an actual 16 year old and not like past experiences had aged her to someone wise beyond their years.

I crawled towards her sleeping form and slowly laid down next to her. Even in her sleep, she instinctively wrapped her arms around me as if we had been doing this for a long time. I already felt tired again and soon the sweat embrace of sleep invited me in.

When I woke up again, it was because of Lexa stirring in her sleep. Her front was pressed flush against my back, a warm contrast to the cold air that was seeping through the window.

I felt content like this and was going to wait until Lexa was fully awake. Before Lexa woke up though, I felt something insistently poking at my arse. I felt confused for a moment but blamed it on Lexa’s phone or whatever.

A few more minutes passed and finally Lexa was waking up, stretching her body out in the process. The movement caused her pelvis to press in to me more firmly. I felt her stiffen and then hastily pull away, the poking thing gone now as well.

I turned around to see why Lexa had pulled away so fast and that’s when I saw it; Lexa had a… boner? Lexa noticed that I was awake as well and by the panicked expression on her face, must have also known that I had seen it.

She practically jumped out of my bed and rushed towards the door. She ripped it open but before she could get out, I ran after her and held her back by her arm. ‘Lexa, wait.’

It was obvious that Lexa really wanted to get out, away from this room and away from me. But then she looked at me and something in her eyes changed. From panic to half hope-half fear.

I pulled her back so that I could shut the door again. ‘Lexa, please just… just stay and talk to me. I won’t judge, whatever it is.’

The conflict was evident in her eyes. She clenched and unclenched her jaw a couple of times and then finally nodded her head in nearly imperceptible way. I took her hand and led her back to the edge of my bed, at the very exact spot I had only two hours ago admitted my secret to her.

We sat there for a moment until Lexa found the courage to speak up. Just like she did when I told her my secret, I laid a comforting hand on her knee, showing that I was there for her.

‘I was born different than most. I am a girl regarding the chromosomes, but instead of the… ah, usual gender parts, I’ve got a dick.’ Lexa was speaking quiet and rushed the sentence out, but I was still able to understand her.

She kept her head held low, fidgeting with her hands in her lap. I looked down and could see the slight bulge still visible through the sweatpants. I quickly looked away, a light shade of red covering my cheeks.

I moved a bit closer to Lexa and knocked my knee against hers. She finally looked up, meeting my eyes. ‘The fact that you were born different doesn’t change anything. I like you for who you are and not what you were born as.’ My voice was low, barely louder than a whisper.

Lexa nodded, I could see her lips trembling and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Before I could hold myself back, I wiped it away with my thumb.

A loud thunder disrupted the peaceful silence between us. I got up and shut the window to silence the sound from outside.

Just when I was about to sit next to Lexa again, my phone vibrated against the wood of my nightstand table. I grabbed my phone and cursed under my breath; three missed calls from my mother, loads more texts from a concerned Octavia and Raven who was checking in, if I was safely at home.

Lexa looked up at me and saw the frown on my face, ‘Clarke, what’s wrong?’

I didn’t look up while I was texting my mom that I was fine, that Lexa brought me home and that she didn’t have to worry. ‘My mom found out. Well, obviously she did, because she works there, but I would have preferred her not knowing the details.’

Lexa got up and stood beside me, silently offering her comfort. When I finally reassured everyone that I was okay, I put my phone back on the night stand.

My breath hitched when I turned around and noticed how close Lexa and I were standing. I could feel the warmth radiating from her body, and this sweet distinctive smell that was so Lexa, hitting me in waves. We stood like that for a few seconds until Lexa finally broke free from whatever this was and stepped away to leave a more friendly distance between us.

She cleared her throat, a pressing awkwardness now between us. I desperately racked my brain for something to say but before I could embarrass myself and let out the first thing that came to my mind, Lexa beat me to it, ‘I should probably lay out my clothes, otherwise they’ll never dry.’

‘Yeah, wait, I’ll put them in the dryer for you.’ Lexa shot me a grateful smile and I rushed out of my bedroom with her damp clothes to put them in the dryer. A minute later I returned to Lexa tapping away on her phone, probably texting her friends why she wasn’t in school. When she noticed my presence, she rushed to answer the last text and put her phone in her back pocket.

‘So, how about we play a game?’ I asked, before the awkward silence could reaper again. 

Lexa raised a solitary eyebrow and asked confused, ‘you want to play a game? May I ask what game you have on your mind?’

I pondered her question for a moment until an idea hit me. I smiled at her and went to grab my phone from the nightstand, opening up the app.

Lexa was watching me intently, a look of confusion still evident in her face. I sat down on my bed and crooked my finger in a ‘come here’ movement. Lexa carefully walked closer, her careful advance reminding of a shy animal.

I assured her that I didn’t have anything bad planned and that seemed to break Lexa free from her internal struggle. She finally sat down on my bed, now facing me. I put my phone between us, finally showing her what game I wanted to play.

‘Never have I ever? Seriously?’ But Lexa couldn’t keep the small smile from her face, secretly also enjoying that game very much.

‘I know that it’s usually played with alcohol, but I can’t really afford to get drunk now and my mom to catch me in that state.’ Lexa nodded in agreement and tapped on my phone to start the game.

’Never have I ever had a one night stand.’’ Both of us shook our head and I tapped the screen for the next question.

’Never have I ever been walked in on.’

‘It depends on what it means of been caught doing', Lexa said after a few seconds. My eyes widened and I started laughing, ‘omg, what were you caught doing?’

She blushed a bright red and asked with her gaze intently on my blue bed cover, ‘um, does it count when you’re kind of… you know, getting on it with yourself and then someone walks in and you manage to pull the bed cover over yourself so the other person thinks you’re asleep?’

I stared at her wide eyed and then burst out laughing, not able to do anything else. It took me about a minute to finally press out a ‘yes’ , finding this whole situation oddly funny.

When I finally calmed down, I wiped the tears away from my face and chuckled when I saw that the flush on Lexa’s face had even crept over to the tips of her ears.

‘Okay, sorry, I promise I won’t laugh anymore’, I said, barely succeeding to keep the grin of my face. Lexa just rolled her eyes but also chuckled and read the next question.

’Never have I ever snuck out after curfew or whilst grounded’’, we both chuckled and nodded our head.

’Never have I ever made out with someone.’ We both nodded. 

’Never have I ever been sick from a certain alcohol.’ At that Lexa made a disgusted face and added, ‘tequila’ before going further.

’Never have I ever dumped someone.’ I clenched my jaw at the memory of Finn nodded my head. If Lexa saw my expression she didn’t comment on it.

’Never have I ever liked Justin Bieber.’ At that we looked at each other, both fervently shaking our head. I laughed and asked, ‘also don’t like him?’ ‘God no’, she answered and I smiled at our mutual dislike for Justin Bieber.

The game went on a while longer like that until the questions were starting to get more personal and I was blushing more often than not.

‘Never have I ever slept with someone from the opposite sex.’ I blushed a bit but didn’t nod my head. Lexa shot me a confused glance because I had already mentioned that I had dated Finn for nearly 2 years, so she assumed that I had already slept with him. But fortunately she didn’t question me and read the next question.

‘Never have I ever owned something I hid whenever my friends came over.’ When our gaze met, I blushed a deep shade of red at the memory of exactly what I hid from everyone. For my fifteenth birthday, Finn had found it a funny idea to give me a vibrator, in hopes I would demonstrate it to him… I never did.

‘I don’t assume that you would care to elaborate?’ Lexa asked with a small smirk on her face, reading my expression correctly. I blushed and shook my head, not wanting to show her the thing I hid from everyone.

‘Oh, please’, she begged me and immediately different thoughts flooded my mind, ones you should most definitely not have about your friend. ‘Nope, not happening’, I retorted and tapped for the next question to signal that I wasn’t going to give in.

’Never have I ever owned sex toys.’ ‘Oh, for fucks sake’, I swore. Though the moment that sentence slipped past my lips, I froze because I suddenly realized what exactly I had admitted with that. I looked up at Lexa and she shot me this look of… was that surprise and maybe shock taking over her features? But the way her pupils were widened were a signal of arousal… wait, no it’s surprise or shock, I told myself.

‘Okay, now I’ve really got to ask. What toys?’ Lexa was smirking at me and started laughing when I stared at her in shock that she would ask it so blatantly.

‘I most definitely won’t answer that question’, I retorted, my gaze unconsciously flitting to my bedside table where I hid the toy underneath of a pile of unsuspicious things. Lexa noticed the small movement of my eyes and turned to look at the exact bedside table my eyes had landed a second ago.

She looked back at me and there was a devious grin on her face, one that told me that whatever she was planning, I wasn’t going to like it. My eyes widened in realization and before she could dare to move, I lunged forward and pinned her down on the bed.

I held both of Lexa’s hands down and was straddling her hips to not let her move. She was laughing hard underneath of me and soon I was laughing as well, making the awkwardness vanish completely.

Though soon I froze when I felt that she wasn’t completely soft yet and I could feel her boner against my centre. I felt a tightening in my belly and it took all of my willpower to not roll my hips to get some friction where I needed it the most.

Lexa was still laughing underneath of me, but that didn’t help at all as it made her whole body shake and vibrate. She was finally starting to come down from the fit of laughter but before Lexa could realise the position we were in, we both heard the main door downstairs being opened and shut close.

It was closely followed by footsteps rushing upstairs and then towards my bedroom. I quickly jumped of Lexa and we both immediately straightened our clothes out, neither of us wanting to send the wrong signal to whoever was about to come in.

Apparently it was my mom who had rushed home. The moment she saw me, she closed the distance between us and pulled me in a tight hug. ‘Clarke, are you alright? I got a note from the secretary that you had to leave school because you were sick?’ Her voice was full of concern.

I swore under my breath. I knew that my mom would had found out the moment she sent me the text but I had hoped that she wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it.

‘Yes, I’m alright, Lexa took care of me mom.’ At the mention of the girl’s name, my mom looked up and saw Lexa sitting on the bed, shifting awkwardly.

My mom glanced between Lexa and me and then nodded her head, thanking Lexa for the help. She pulled me in another tight hug before leaving us, telling me that we would talk about it later.

When my mom was finally out of my door, I groaned and put my head in my hands. I heard Lexa shuffling behind me and then I felt her warm hand land on my shoulder in what should be a comforting gesture but all it did was make my heart miss a beat.

When I turned around to Lexa, she had concern written in her eyes.I didn’t know when I started being able to read the expression in her eyes because I hadn’t known her for long at all. But it was like we had this invisible bond between us that let us know what the other wanted or needed in the moment.

And somehow, she sensed that I just wanted to be held and say nothing so that’s what she did after a short hesitation.

When her arms finally wrapped around me, I sank in to the embrace and held on tightly. I could feel tears prick at the back of my eyes again and I blinked them away. I didn’t want to cry anymore and I also didn’t want Lexa to see.

We stood there for a while and I was starting to feel tired again, this day exhausting me more than I thought. I pulled away from Lexa a bit but still kept my arms around her. ‘Hey, do you want to watch a movie or so?’

She shot me a small smile and gently pulled away from me. I led her upstairs to our attic and unceremoniously fell on the sofa, pulling Lexa with me. When we were both seated comfortably with a small space between us, I turned Netflix on and looked over at Lexa, ‘so, what do you want to watch?’


	12. 'Lexa, just... talk to us.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here is the next chapter. I had a really bad case of writers block and I'm not sure if I like how the chapter ended, but I am sure that some of you won't mind the short smut scene I built in here... I hope you enjoy it ;)

‘Lex, are you listening?’ David asked, making me only now notice that I hadn’t heard a word he had just said. We were sitting in the cafeteria for lunchbreak, waiting until our respective lesson started.

‘Hm, yeah sorry. What did you say?’ I asked, finally focusing on David and Laurel. My thoughts had been drifting from one topic to the next, more often than not stopping at Clarke.

‘We were talking about movie evening. You kind of missed it the last two times. Soo, your place after school on Friday?’ David asked, a hopeful glint in his eyes.

I groaned and put my head in my hands, ‘Shit, I’m sorry. I just kind of had to deal with some… personal problems but yeah, I promise, movie night on Friday.’ 

‘You know that whatever it is, we will help you, right? And also since when do you keep something from us?’ I could hear the hurt in Laurel’s voice. She sighed and then said with a voice full of exasperation and conflict, ‘Lexa just… talk to us.’

I clenched my jaw and abruptly got up, pulling the attention of a few pair of eyes towards me. I rushed out of the cafeteria, not looking back at the worried and hurt faces of my two best friends.

Laurel’s last words rang through my head, bringing tears to my eyes. I couldn’t just stay there and act like everything was alright, like I could just talk about my problems with my friends. If I could talk to my friends about everything, I would have told them about yesterday evening when I came home from Clarke’s house.

My father was already waiting there for me, having been informed that I had left school to bring Clarke home. But instead of receiving my usual punishment, he only gave me a disapproving look and warned me that if I ever did something like that again, I would feel the consequences.

But I couldn’t tell my friends because I couldn’t talk about my father to them. He had told me often enough what he would do, if I talked about it to someone, that’s why I kept my mouth shut.

I glanced at the watch and saw that I still had twenty minutes of lunch left. So instead of standing in the hallway, I shouldered my bag and turned to walk towards the main door to get some fresh air, only to be stopped mid-way by a hand landing hard on my shoulder.

I turned around, using my elbow to hit the hand of my shoulder. ‘Why so aggressive Woods? I’m quite sure you already got what you wanted’, Dax spat out. He had been suspended the next school day after he and his lackeys had beaten me up.

‘So, you’re back in school I see. Shouldn’t you be a bit more careful now? You know, after you were caught the last time, I am quite sure that they wouldn’t be very pleased to see you near me again.’

Dax let out a humourless laugh, shooting me a death glare. ‘No actually, because of you my father is sending me to military school.’

‘Good for you. They might actually be able to make you a more or less normal human being who can form a coherent sentence’, I retorted.

Dax was seething by now, I could practically feel his anger radiating from his body. ‘You know, I’m not actually here to bond with you.’

I raised a solitary eyebrow and retorted with a bored voice, ‘oh really, could have fooled me.’

The moment Dax leaned forward, I knew that he would throw a punch. I guessed correct and easily sidestepped his attack. He tried to throw a punch again and again but every time I was able to dodge his hits. He was starting to get tired and that’s when he changed his technique.

I knew that I should have called the bluff but I wasn’t fully concentrated. Dax faked that he saw something behind me, a typical beginners mistake, and in that short moment when I was distracted enough, he could land the first hit.  


‘Fuck’, I swore when Dax fist made contact with my nose, eliciting the sickening sound of my nose breaking. I could already feel blood splattering down my face, the metallic taste filling my mouth. He was about to take a second hit but before he could do so, the door of the cafeteria was being opened and someone came out.

Unfortunately for Dax, Professor Harmon emerged from the cafeteria. The moment she saw what was happening, she immediately rushed towards us to get us separated. I was thankful that she didn’t come a few seconds later as I definitely wouldn’t have managed to hold myself back from punching Dax back.

‘What is going on here?’ she asked with a stern voice. Neither I nor Dax answered, so instead of demanding anything else, she grabbed Dax on his arm and motioned for me to follow her. Surprisingly Dax didn’t attempt to get away but instead obediently followed Professor Harmon to the headmasters office.

She knocked on the door and opened the door without waiting for an answer. Headmaster Kane looked up in surprise but his face quickly morphed in to frustration at seeing Dax again.

‘I am sorry for interrupting but I found these two fighting in the hall.’ Professor Harmon started saying but was interrupted by my claim that Dax was the one who punched me, while Dax stated that we weren’t fighting.

Kane just sighed and nodded, motioning for us to sit down. ‘Nylah, please wait here for a moment. It shouldn’t take long and somebody should take Miss Woods to the medical wing after this.’

‘Of course Marcus’, Nylah said.

‘Well then. Miss Woods, how about you retell the story how it really happened’, he said, emphasizing the word ‘’really’’ with a pointed look at Dax.

I nodded and took a deep breath, wincing slightly when I felt a piercing pain through my ribs.

‘I was just about to head outside, you know to clear my mind, when Dax held me back.’ I ignored the over exaggerated eye roll Dax shot me and continued, ‘Dax started saying that it was my fault that he got suspended from school and that his father was sending him to military school.’

‘It is your fucking fault,’ Dax threw in, only to be stopped by a stern and annoyed look from Kane.

‘And then after that, he punched me’, I finished my story. Headmaster Kane regarded me for a few seconds and then nodded, ‘okay, you may leave. Professor Harmon will take you to the medical wing to get your nose checked.’

I nodded and got up. When I bent down to get my bag from the floor, I felt blood rushing to my head and for a moment I felt dizzy. It passed quickly but not fast enough to go unnoticed by everyone in the room.

Professor Harmon put her hand on my shoulder in an attempt to steady me but the touch only made me flinch away from her. She quickly pulled her hand away but I could already see the gears turning in her head.

I clenched my jaw and headed out of the headmasters office as fast as I could. Professor Harmon was fast to follow though and a few seconds later, she was walking next to me.

When we finally arrived at the medical wing, Professor Harmon dropped me off and wished me to get better soon.

After Professor Harmon was gone, the nurse came over to me to inspect my obviously swollen nose. ‘So, what happened to you?’ she asked, while she started to gather a few things for the examination.

‘I got punched’, was all I said before I made my way to the medical bed the nurse motioned me to sit on.

The nurse stood in front of me and started disinfecting her hands. ‘How is the pain from a scale of 1 to 10? 1 is very light pain and 10 is excruciating pain.’

‘About a 4’, I answered, sitting unmoving on the edge of the bed while the nurse started gently pressing on the outside of my nose.

‘Okay. Does it hurt too much to breathe through your nose?’ the nurse asked, having finished the pocking around.

‘A bit but it’s not that bad.’ The nurse nodded and got up to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer.

‘Well, your nose is definitely broken but an operation won’t be necessary. Just make sure that you put ice on it and it would be best if you don’t do any strenuous activities for a few weeks. Okay?’

I nodded and was just about to get up when the nurse announced that she wanted to check my lungs first.

My eyes widened in realization at what she would see and I wracked my brain for an excuse to get out of it. But before I could come up with anything, the nurse asked, ‘is it alright if I take your shirt off? I want to check your lungs to make sure that your air way is clear.’

‘I- no, that… um, why? Can’t you just, um, you know, say I’m alright and then I can head back to class?’

The nurse lifted her eyebrows at my clear attempt of getting out of here, ‘look, if you really are so uncomfortable with taking your shirt off, you-‘

‘No, that’s not it’, I stopped the nurse, only to curse under my breath when I noticed that I had possibly closed the last way out.

‘Okay, then’, she said, already moving to take my shirt off. When the nurse’s fingers lifted the hem of my shirt, I breathed out the last hope of her not seeing the bruises.

The moment my shirt didn’t cover up the bruises anymore, the look on the nurse’s face turned from concentration to absolute shock. ‘What happened here?’ she asked, not even bothering to hide the emotions in her voice.

I sighed at the inevitability of this moment and thought what exactly I should say to her. ‘I fell during… free running.’

The nurse gave me a disbelieving look and shook her head, sighing deeply. ‘Look, it really is none of my business what you do in your free time but in such a situation where you clearly had an accident, I have to inform the school psychologist. It won’t be reported to your parents or whoever is your legal guardian but we will have to look in to this and see if you need any medical care.’

I groaned and buried my face in my hands, ‘please just believe me when I say that I fell and I got a bit bruised. Such things happen when you jump from unsteady buildings.’ But that was obviously the wrong thing to say, the nurse giving me an even more shocked face.

‘Miss Woods, like I said, I will have to report it. So please don’t try to talk me out of it. And keep pressing the ice pack on your nose, the swelling has already gone away a bit.’

I sighed, knowing full well that I had blown my chance. The nurse continued to examine my breathing, careful to not put too much pressure on the bruises. When she was finally done, I slipped my shirt back on and jumped off the bed. I grabbed my bag and thanked the nurse for her help, already heading for the door.

But before I could open the door to my freedom, the nurse stopped me. ‘Miss Woods, I would suggest that you head home for today and rest. I will inform your respective teachers about the reason of your absence. You may leave now.’

I nodded once and finally reached for the door. Once I was in the hallway, I started heading to the main door like I had before Dax showed up. Only this time, I managed to get out of school without any other incidents.

I headed towards my bike which was still standing there from when I had brought Clarke home yesterday. That thought reminded me that I hadn’t seen her in school today.

When I was finally on my bike, I headed towards the main road, eager to get home. On my way back, I passed Clarke’s house and I saw that her car was still parked in the drive way. ‘So she must have stayed at home’, I thought to myself.  


I typed the code for the gate to open and drove on to the forecourt. I parked my bike and got off, eager to see how bad my face looked. I jogged up the stairs, still feeling some pain in my legs and ribs but I ignored it for the moment and rushed to my bedroom.

I threw my schoolbag next to my bed and ripped the bathroom door open. When I finally caught sight of my face, I sighed in relieve. My nose was red and a bit swollen but nothing seemed to be misshaped or bent in a weird way.  
Remembering what the nurse said, I went downstairs again and got an ice pack. I put it on my face and revelled in the coolness and relieve of pain it brought with it.

It wasn’t even half past two yet, so I decided that I would have a shower and get changed in something more comfortable. I went back up to my room, locked the door and headed for the bathroom.

Other than a shower, I also had a bath in there. I very rarely took a bath though, preferring to take a shower for efficiency reasons. But today I decided that I could take a bath and actually do nothing for an hour or so, just lay in the warm water and rest.

Soon, the bathtub was being filled with hot water, the room already getting steamed up. While I was waiting, I slowly pulled my shirt off and tied my hair up that it wouldn’t get wet. Next my trousers, socks and bra landed on the floor, leaving me in nothing but boxer shorts.

I pulled them slowly down my legs, revelling at the feeling off the soft material rubbing against my shaft. It was only now that I noticed that it had been a while since I had an orgasm, my growing erection agreeing with me.

By now, the bathtub was nearly full so I turned the water off and slowly got in. I groaned in pleasure and pain while I slowly slid in to the hot water. I lied down and let myself get adjusted to the temperature.

A few minutes passed and I was already starting to feel tired, this bath relaxing me more than I thought it would. I started to clean myself with some soap, begging from top to bottom. I arrived at my legs, rubbing slow circles on my skin.  


My hands started to drift to my middle, at first teasing myself by not touching where I needed it the most. I could feel all my blood head to my centre, making my dick erect to its full height. Soon I couldn’t stand the teasing anymore though and with a firm grip on my erection, I started moving my hand up and down.

I started slow at first, thoughts of blue eyes and a female, curvy body flooded my mind. I felt my breathing coming out in irregular pants, but I kept my hand going in a sturdy pace. My orgasm was slowly starting to build up but right when I was at the edge of coming, I stopped my hand.

After a minute, I moved my hand gripping my throbbing erection, stopping again when I was right at the edge of coming. I proceeded with that for a few more times until I was so desperate for release that I was whimpering, my hips bucking on their own accord.

The next time I was just about to come, I didn’t stop. With my grip still firm on my erection, I moved my hand in a frantic movement, sending me over the edge with a loud groan. The orgasm lasted longer than it ever had, leaving me absolutely exhausted.

‘Shit, I missed that so much’, I muttered to myself after I was able to speak again. I sighed in content and then got up to let the water drain out of the bathtub.

Before I got out of the bath completely, I swilled myself off with the shower head and then grabbed a towel.

I got dressed in a clean pair of sweatpants and a tight sports shirt and then grabbed my phone and keys and headed downstairs. When I stepped outside, I locked the door behind me and started walking towards the gate. With every step I took, I felt how the exhaustion that had accumulated itself over a few days, slowly went away.

My previous intentions of going for a walk were stopped when I passed Clarke’s house. I wanted to walk further but something stopped me from doing so and that’s how I found myself walking towards the main door and then knocking on it.

I repeated the knocking for three times and when the door still wasn’t being opened, I rang the doorbell to be sure that she really wasn’t at home. Maybe I was wrong and Clarke had gone to school after all?

Apparently not, because a bit after I rang the doorbell, the door was being ripped open by Clarke. I was just about to say hi and ask Clarke how she was but before I even had a chance to say a word, Clarke’s eyes widened in shock, ‘what the fuck happened to your nose Lexa?’


	13. Hold on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!
> 
> This chapter is from Costia's POV. It's her last few hours before she passed away.  
> I strongly advice you to think through, if you want to read this. I made it an alone standing chapter, so in case you don't or can't read it, you won't miss out on any important details.
> 
> I also wanted to say, if anyone has got problems they want to talk about or just want to talk in generall, I would be happy to listen. I had a very close friend who commited suicide and for a very long time, I felt really angry at myself for not noticing the signs that he was depressed. And I wished that he had spoken to someone about it because suicide is a long term solution for a short term problem.
> 
> And if any of you are depressed or think about doing any harm to yourself, PLEASE get help. Talk to someone, get help from a close family member, from friends, from teachers, from anyone really. You matter and if you feel like nobody cares about you, I care. And also, with the advanced technology of today, you are able to get better even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
> 
> With that said, I hope you get the message I am trying to share with you. It is not a sign of weakness to get help, I actually find getting help is one of the bravest things to do.

Today’s the day. I felt sick to my stomach but I got used to the pain and discomfort over the past few months that I barely even noticed it by now.

When I think back to when it all started, the passing of my mother and step-father, I feel a wave of emotions flood me; anxiety, anger, guilt, sadness, self-loath and hopelessness. I feel anxiety to what lies in my future, anger and guilt for not having been able to save my mother and step-father, self-loath that I am still alive and they are dead. I felt hopeless, like I would never get better and that’s why I made a final decision.

I put the letter I had just spent the last two hours writing in the envelope and wrote her name on it. A tear slid down my face at the thought of what I was doing to my family, my two best friends and most of all; my girlfriend. But no matter how much I talked myself out of it, I didn’t want to live like this anymore.

With a firm grip on the letter, I pushed myself out of my desk chair and slowly dragged myself towards the main door. I slowly made my way towards Lexa’s house and when I was at the gate, pressed the bell to make my presence known.  


It was seconds later that a familiar voice asked me how they could help.

‘I’ve got a letter for Lexa’, was all I managed to croak. My eyes filled with unshed tears. Standing here to pass on my last words, made this feel so real and yet I was 100 percent certain that I made the right decision.

A few moments passed and I was already starting to feel tired from standing this much. Soon the figure of a man entered my vision of sight. He was marching towards me, a smile as always present on his face. I quickly wiped the tears away before he got here. To make him suspicious was the last thing I needed in this moment.

‘Hi Costia, how are you?’ He asked me cheerfully. With a lot of effort, I managed to give him a smile and answer in a more or less happy tone, ‘fine and you?’

‘Very good, thank you’, he said while leaning against the gate. ‘So, you said that you’ve got a letter for Miss Woods?’

‘Yes, here’, I handed the letter to him with shaking hands. ‘Could you please put it on her desk for when she’s back from school?’

‘Of course. Have a nice day’, the worker said right before turning around to head back inside. With one last look at the house where Lexa and I had so many happy memories, I turned around to head home. It took me much longer to get back because right now, I didn’t care if people saw the way I was practically dragging my feet. I didn’t care if they saw my face, now covered in tears. I didn’t care because soon this would all finally be over anyway.

When I arrived at home, I climbed up the stairs to my room and entered my bedroom. Everything I did lately was so exhausting, even such simple tasks as eating or brushing my teeth.

I walked towards my closet and took the prepared outfit and a bag I hid in the back under a pile of clothes out. I stripped out of my clothing I was currently wearing and put them in the washing basket. With shaking and cold hands, I changed in to a pair of black skinny jeans and my nicest, dark blue blouse.

I grabbed the bag, the weight of it pulling me down even though it didn’t even weigh one kilo. With unstable but yet purposeful steps, I made my way to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet lid and opened the bag I hid from everyone.  


Over the last few weeks, I acquired a large quantity of medication. I always bought small amounts to not make anybody suspicious but I finally had enough to… to get myself on the other side.

I pulled all the bottles out and laid them out on the bathroom floor. With much effort, I sat down on the floor in front of them and opened the lid of the first bottle; eleven bottles, 138 tablets.

I took a deep breath and put the first few tablets in my mouth. The vile taste of the medication already covered every other taste in my mouth but I kept on, swallowing each tablet. Nearly an hour had passed but I finally managed to swallow every single tablet. 

I closed my eyes, my vision already spinning and a weird feeling spreading inside of me. I pulled my legs up and rested my head on my knees, my eyes closed but tears still escaped out of the corner of my eyes.

My heart was beating erratically, trying to cope with the amount of poison I had deliberately ingested. I was starting to feel sick but before the feeling could overpower me, my vision started to blur and get darker. I felt drained and soon I couldn’t open my eyes even if I wanted to.

I felt how my body fell to the side, my head hitting the hard surface but I didn’t feel the pain. For the first time in a while, I actually felt at peace. The guilt and self-loath were washed away, the deep ache in my heart was gone and the invitation for an eternal sleep invited me in.

Before I succumbed to eternity though, I heard faint sounds from somewhere. The sound got louder and then there was a loud bang, followed closely by a soft touch on my arm. I could make out a voice that was shouting my name over and over again. Her face appeared in my vision, next to my other friends and family.

They were all smiling, inviting me in and I happily obliged. I took the last steps forward, landing in the place I felt safest; in the strong and yet soft embrace of my girlfriend. ‘I love you’, where the last words she whispered in my ears before I finally let the darkness fill me completely.


End file.
